Mystery Men

Unknown relatives?

I love wandering through flea markets. Not crappy ones with shit from my nephews and nieces childhood, but the good ones with all the really old stuff, from my childhood. All the history laid out there is fascinating. One thing that I love, yet find terribly sad, are the old snapshots and photos you can find there. Some go back a hundred years or more. I always wonder, who are these people in the snapshots and why didn't their families care enough to keep them?

Over the last few years I have been scanning photos from my mom and dad's collection. They probably have a thousand or more photos of our family history. At this time I am trying to ramp it up and scan more every time I go out to visit Mom. Last week I opened up the top drawer of my grandfather's old desk and found some gems. A photo of my great grandfather and a letter from relatives in England, sent to my grandfather's family in Philadelphia. The letter had the original envelope with it. I scanned it all. This week I found a cigar box full of photos. Old photos of my mom and dad's wedding day. Mom and her wedding party posing in front of my grandparent's house, in the snow. The day they got married Chicago had a blizzard. It was during World War Two and there was no limo for them, so they had to walk two blocks through deep snow to get to the church. I believe my dad lived across the street from the church, his walk was minimal. Besides the photos of the wedding party, there were others of people who I recognized easily. In fact some photos had it written on the back who was in the photo. A few did not, including the one at the top of this post. Two good looking young men who do not resemble anybody I know of in my family. Why is that photo in the cigar box? What side of the family do they belong to? Is that where I got my good looks?  I need to know.

Poop and Pasta

A couple of things from yesterday. First of all, my dog Chandler. Well no, let's mention Mark first and how he reacts when he steps in something gushy, like dog vomit with a bare foot. You would think he had been attacked by a movie monster. He screams out like a white girl and then yells for me to come and help him. I'm supposed to clean up the floor and get him paper towels for his foot. So I do. Anyway, yesterday Chandler stepped in some dog poop. It was his own dog poop, but you would have thought it was some radioactive goo capable of disintegrating his paw. He suddenly turned into the three legged dog as he ran around the yard trying to shake the shit off his foot. So I grabbed him and wiped his foot into the grass. Then I took him down stairs and washed his paw in the basement. Just like I do with Mark.

Second thing, I made dinner last night. Mark hasn't been in the best of health lately so I haven't been getting those gourmet meals I grew used to. I have been doing almost all the cooking for a couple of weeks now. Last night it was Trader Joe's ravioli stuffed with goat cheese. I sautéed some ground beef in a skillet, drained the fat, and then mixed in a jar of Trader Joe's pasta sauce. A little salt and pepper added to the sauce, I then spooned it out over the ravioli on our plates. It almost looked good. On more than one occasion I have been scolded by Mark for ruining dinner. His standards are high and I can barely meet them. Last night, however, when I asked Mark "How is your dinner?" He answered, "It's okay." High praise indeed.

Snowflake

Obviously I am not going to win the "RCN Words CONTEST".  Here is the transcript of my conversation with an RCN cable agent Sunday morning. I have not edited anything out other than my address. We'll pick it up where I explain my problem....

11/26/2017 11:07:07AM		Alan: "No local channels. Been off and on since Friday. I have restarted Tivo box numerous times. I was afraid this would happen when I was sent a message that RCN would be upgrading Tivo boxes. I need this fixed NOW! and I need charges discounted for this month"
		.
	11/26/2017 11:08:05AM	Agent (Gabriel B.): "Hello Alan! Thank you for contacting RCN! I am happy to help you today! I'm so sorry to hear that you are having issues, but I'll be more than happy to help you today! Can you verify the full address on the account, including the city, state, and apartment number if there is one?"
	11/26/2017 11:08:37AM	Alan: "xxxx North xxxx Avenue, Chicago, Il first floor."
	11/26/2017 11:09:12AM	Alan: "My neighbor on the second floor with RCN is also having the same problem."
	11/26/2017 11:09:40AM	Agent (Gabriel B.): "I see you have been a valued customer with us at this address since 5/24/16. We thank you for your loyalty and look forward to providing you many more years of enjoyable service!"
	11/26/2017 11:11:06AM	Alan: "If I am even one minute late with my payment, you guys charge me extra. So I think I should get a discount for putting up with this all weekend."
	11/26/2017 11:11:26AM	Agent (Gabriel B.): "I see there is currently an issue affecting your area. While I am not showing an estimate time for this to be resolved, please be assured that our technicians are working to fix this as quickly as possible! We know that any service interruption is inconvenient, so we appreciate your patience as we get you up and running again!"
	11/26/2017 11:12:10AM	Alan: "Football starts in two hours. The s**t will hit the fan if it isn't back up by then.."
	11/26/2017 11:12:26AM	Agent (Gabriel B.): "Our company considers that content and language to be inappropriate. Out of respect for our employees, if the content and language of this chat does not improve, this chat will be terminated. I want to help you – how about if we start over?"
	11/26/2017 11:12:39AM	Alan: "English?"
	11/26/2017 11:13:44AM	Agent (Gabriel B.): "No using profanity"
	11/26/2017 11:14:08AM	Alan: "Okay, then how about ****"
	11/26/2017 11:15:22AM	Agent (Gabriel B.): "it's still inappropriate but we are working on this & will try to resolve this as soon as possible"
	11/26/2017 11:15:28AM	Agent (Gabriel B.): "Is there anything else I can assist you with today?"
	11/26/2017 11:15:50AM	Alan: "No."
	11/26/2017 11:16:00AM	Agent (Gabriel B.): "Thank you for chatting with me today & for choosing RCN! Have a wonderful day"
	11/26/2017 11:16:02AM	Session Ended

Moments later, Jehovah's Witnesses came knocking at my door again. Good thing I know how to manage anger. I just keep saying my mantra over and over again, "F**K, F**K, F**K, F**K, F**KITY, F**K!" (For the tender souls out there, change that to ****.)

The Dog Did It

Every year I try to be responsible. I don't want to keel over with a sudden heart attack, so I ration my Thanksgiving meal. More than the threat of heart attack, I don't want that super full feeling after dinner. So I plop down just one spoonful of each item onto my plate. No more than the size of a fifty cent piece. Little round pile of mashed potatoes, a dollop of cranberry sauce, same with the stuffing, and just a sliver of turkey. Not enough to keep a man alive if that was all he ate every day. After dinner I accept a sliver of pie. Really, so thinly sliced that you could slip it under the door. What I want to know is why, just five minutes into the Thanksgiving dinner, do I start feeling bloated? I know I didn't eat that much. At least I don't think I did. There must be some ingredient in the Thanksgiving menu that expands after it drops into your stomach. I excuse myself from the table and make my way to the living room. Fifteen minutes after dinner my eyelids feel like they have lead weights hanging from them. I sit on the sofa staring at some inconsequential football game while fighting off sleep. I lose the battle and wake up thirty minutes later with gas. Now I have bloat, gas, and I'm still sleepy. So I try to sneak some of the gas out while sitting there. Not a very nice thing to do, but I feel like a beached whale and I don't want to get up and leave the room.

"Oh god Alan. Did you fart? Oh my god..."

"No. Must have been Chandler."

If you don't lift yer feet, you can't have any pudding.

Mom is home from the hospital. After a week where it was touch and go, she finally started eating a little bit and got strong enough to go home. She wouldn't have had to go in the first place if she had just listened to her doctors and her daughters. They would tell her that she needs to elevate her feet whenever possible or she'll get fluid buildup in her ankles. The only time I ever saw her elevate her feet was when she knew the daughter who made the biggest deal out of it, was coming over. It's kind of weird to see the situation reversed, where once I was the disobedient one, the one being told what to do. Anyway, Mom is back in her home, but it was determined that she cannot live there all alone anymore. Not at the age of ninety five, almost ninety six. So my sister has hired somebody to watch over her. A very pleasant, Eastern European woman. Now Mom will have a live in nagger to tell her to put her feet up and to eat her dinner. Ah, the circle of life.