There have been Black Fridays
where I am getting out of bed at seven in the morning to walk the dogs, and
Mark is coming in the front door with his arms full of crap he has just bought.
Mark is one of those people who never pays retail for anything. If it's not on
sale, we don't need it. Last Friday was no exception. I had got my "All I
want for Christmas" orders from Mark a few weeks ago. A smoker is what he
wanted and it was going to be on sale at Ace Hardware the day after
Thanksgiving. So at eight in the morning on Friday, I found myself being driven up to the
nearest Ace Hardware store to buy Mark his Christmas present. Ace Hardware
stores are nothing like Home Depot or Lowes. They are usually funky little
places that are run like a mom and pop store. We walk into Hanna's Ace
Hardware and find one single person in the store. That was the owner and he was
sitting behind the checkout counter.
"Can I help you boys?" (I often hear that 'boy' thing when I walk into
someplace with Mark)
"We're looking for the barbecue
smoker that was advertised."
The man put a quizzical look
on his face for a moment.
"Smoker, you say?"
"It was on the Ace Hardware web site."
"Oh, we're not that Ace Hardware. This is a
privately owned store and all that Ace Hardware advertising doesn't apply
here."
"But the signs, the
logo. It says Ace Hardware."
"You want the Ace Hardware down by the beach. Go
down Commercial, over the bridge, and it's on the right hand side of the
street."
Off we went to the Beach Ace
Hardware store. We walked in and found a long line of about twenty people
waiting at the checkout counter, and one employee looking haggard already at eight
thirty in the morning.
"Um... excuse me."
The Ace employee barely
looked up.
"Yeah?"
"Do you have the
barbecue smoker that was advertised.... "
"No, we only had one and I sold that on
Wednesday."
At this point Mark told me
that there was one other Ace Hardware over on Cordova Road, clear on the other
side of Fort Lauderdale.
"Goddamnit, just take me
home. Get in the car and take me home."
When we got to the house, I went on the computer and
found the same smoker at Walmart. It cost four cents less than the one
advertised at Ace Hardware and included free shipping. Merry fucking Christmas
Mark.