I’m not
familiar with lady parts, but I do know the ladies sometimes have to go through
difficult visits with doctors sometimes. So I’m not looking for any sympathy
from them here. This is just a story about what I went through today. I do know
quite a bit about man parts. Being a man and a gay man at that, I will accept a
small bit of sympathy from the men.
I had an
appointment with the urologist today. A procedure was to be performed
involving my prostate. It seems that organ is now twice the size of normal and
the doctor wanted to do a biopsy. Okay, I was up for that until the doctor
informed me that it would be performed by reaching the prostate through my
rectum. I am not a fan of things going up my butt… (Didn’t he say he was gay? Yes, but despite what you may see in the
movies and in gay porn videos, not all gay men like things up the butt.)
Here is how
it went. The first nurse instructed me to drop my pants, to take it all off.
She then gave me a shot of antibiotics in my leg, and I was told to sit there
for about fifteen minutes while the shot took effect. So I sat there, butt
naked from the waist down, staring at the strange and scary looking instruments
the nurse had laid out on the table in front of me. Needles, long tubular gizmos,
and other things that looked like alien probes. By the time the doctor came in
I was fully stressed. “Okay, lay on your
left side and pull your knees up as far as you can.” I obeyed and the doctor
continued, “This part will feel like you
are pooping, but in reverse. Just relax.” I tried as he stuck one of those instruments
up my bunghole. I was not happy, but I gritted my teeth and kept quiet. For a
few minutes I could feel something moving around in there, as if a rodent had found
a new home and was investigating every nook and cranny. The doctor told me I
would hear twelve clicks. That would be the instrument collecting the biopsy
samples.
“Click… click… click… click…”
Four clicks
and I was getting hot. My hands were tingling and becoming numb. My mouth went
dry as the Sahara. I squeaked out, “I think
I’m fainting… something’s wrong…” It is not a good sign when you realize
the doctor is checking your pulse and the nurse is putting a cold wet towel on
your forehead. I seriously thought I was dying. I was not, and I did not faint.
Apparently the doctor felt I wasn’t going to die and he continued.
“Click…
click… click… click… click… click… click… click.”
The biopsy
part was done. I put on my pants and the doctor started to tell me about the MRI
I had two months ago. What he told me had nothing to do with my prostate. What
he told me was that my right kidney is dead. It isn’t working and probably hasn’t
in a few years. He showed me on the MRI screen how it had atrophied and there
was no connection to the bladder anymore. He wants to remove that kidney. So
there is the bad news, especially for anybody in my family who may need one.
Nobody is getting a kidney from me.
