Pooping in Reverse

 

I’m not familiar with lady parts, but I do know the ladies sometimes have to go through difficult visits with doctors sometimes. So I’m not looking for any sympathy from them here. This is just a story about what I went through today. I do know quite a bit about man parts. Being a man and a gay man at that, I will accept a small bit of sympathy from the men.

I had an appointment with the urologist today. A procedure was to be performed involving my prostate. It seems that organ is now twice the size of normal and the doctor wanted to do a biopsy. Okay, I was up for that until the doctor informed me that it would be performed by reaching the prostate through my rectum. I am not a fan of things going up my butt… (Didn’t he say he was gay? Yes, but despite what you may see in the movies and in gay porn videos, not all gay men like things up the butt.)

Here is how it went. The first nurse instructed me to drop my pants, to take it all off. She then gave me a shot of antibiotics in my leg, and I was told to sit there for about fifteen minutes while the shot took effect. So I sat there, butt naked from the waist down, staring at the strange and scary looking instruments the nurse had laid out on the table in front of me. Needles, long tubular gizmos, and other things that looked like alien probes. By the time the doctor came in I was fully stressed. “Okay, lay on your left side and pull your knees up as far as you can.” I obeyed and the doctor continued, “This part will feel like you are pooping, but in reverse. Just relax.” I tried as he stuck one of those instruments up my bunghole. I was not happy, but I gritted my teeth and kept quiet. For a few minutes I could feel something moving around in there, as if a rodent had found a new home and was investigating every nook and cranny. The doctor told me I would hear twelve clicks. That would be the instrument collecting the biopsy samples.

“Click…  click… click… click…”

Four clicks and I was getting hot. My hands were tingling and becoming numb. My mouth went dry as the Sahara. I squeaked out, “I think I’m fainting… something’s wrong…” It is not a good sign when you realize the doctor is checking your pulse and the nurse is putting a cold wet towel on your forehead. I seriously thought I was dying. I was not, and I did not faint. Apparently the doctor felt I wasn’t going to die and he continued.

“Click… click… click… click… click… click… click… click.”

The biopsy part was done. I put on my pants and the doctor started to tell me about the MRI I had two months ago. What he told me had nothing to do with my prostate. What he told me was that my right kidney is dead. It isn’t working and probably hasn’t in a few years. He showed me on the MRI screen how it had atrophied and there was no connection to the bladder anymore. He wants to remove that kidney. So there is the bad news, especially for anybody in my family who may need one. Nobody is getting a kidney from me.