Oh, Crap!

Step one for picking up the crap your dog has left in your neighbor's yard, is to take the poopy bag and put it on your hand like a mitten. Step two, is to reach down and pick up each turd until you have cleaned it all up, or to at least fake it if it is dark enough. Step three is to pull the bag off your hand inside out, and tie it up in a pretty package. The final step is to find a neighbors garbage can that is close enough to the street so that you can run up and drop the bag of crap into it. The alternate to step four, is to fling the package into a handy group of bushes if no one is looking.

Yesterday, while I was in the middle of step two, the picking up of the poop, Chandler spotted his friend Kevin the Great Dane. In his joy at seeing an old buddy, Chandler bolted while I was bent over with a handful of poo. I can handle Chandler if I know another dog is nearby, but this time he nearly knocked me over, and before I knew it I was being dragged down the street with my arm flailing around, flinging dog poop everywhere. The more I attempted to bring the situation under control, the more Chandler pulled on the leash, causing more and more crap to fly. By the time we caught up with Kevin and his owner, the poop bag was hanging off my hand, and what hadn't hit the street was stuck to my arm. It was a disgusting mess, and from now on Chandler will be encouraged to poop in the church yard. Nobody ever cleans up after their dog over there.

Back Into the Closet.

The most amazing thing about this past weekend (besides the Bears winning) is that I managed to do almost exactly what I intended. Clean out my office closet, put shelves in it, and throw out the crap. Even more amazing is that I didn’t hurt myself or fuck up in any way. I have all my fingers, including my thumbs, and I even used power tools without shooting a shard of metal into my eye.

The hardest part was prying the junk out of Marks hands. As I put crap aside to go into the trash, Mark would grab it and put it back into the keep pile. At one point I got Mark to go along with getting rid of his nearly worthless Beanie Baby collection. If I could have done it fast enough it would have been done, but as he looked at them and pulled each one out, he had a change of heart. They are now stuffed back into the closet taking up room until the day I can sneak them into the trash.

I did manage to sneak some crap into the trash can, but not nearly what I had hoped for. While pulling junk out of the closet I found clothes with tags still on them that were purchased years ago. I found VHS tapes of movies recorded off of the television that had deteriorated to the point that they were barely viewable. Cassette tapes of crappy bands from the 1980’s that hissed like a snake and haven’t been played in twenty years. All of that is stuffed back into the closet waiting for the next time I decide to clean out that closet, say in the year 2017. Maybe Mark will be ready to cut loose with that crap by then, because he’ll have so much more he'll have bought by then.