Table For Two

We walk up to the man behind the little lectern, hoping there will be just a short wait.
"Hello, Table for two?"
"Uh, yes please."
"Okay, that will be about fifteen minutes. You can have a seat at the bar. When the pager goes off just come back over here."
The man hands me a gizmo that looks a bit like a bad Star Trek phaser.
Again with the seat at the bar. Inside my head I am screaming No! No, goddamn it. I would not like a seat at the goddamn bar. I don't want to get drunk before I eat. I'm fucking starving and if I have a drink or two on this empty stomach I will be drunk before I even sit down for dinner, you moronic little man behind your stupid little lectern. Except I don't say that. I don't say exactly what I'm thinking because the maitre d' would hate me, Mark would hate me, and the waiter might just spit in my food if he heard me. So again I am sitting at a bar on an empty stomach sucking down my first vodka drink. I know that the bar is the life blood of these restaurants, and they need me to sit here and have at least one drink at twelve dollars. Doesn't matter if the actual food, the dinner, is a two for one early bird special. They get you at the bar.

Thirty minutes later the Star Trek phaser starts vibrating, and little lights are flashing as if it were about to explode. It instills a sense of urgency in me.
"C'mon, pay the bartender and let's go."
I guess that I fear they will give away our table if I don't run over to the maitre'd right away. Fact is they will. You have about a one minute window of opportunity before they go on to the next customer.

We make it over to the lectern, and a nice lady shows us to our table. The waiter comes around and the first order of business is making sure I have more vodka.
"Can I get you a drink sir?"
By the time the food comes I've had at least three drinks, and I'm shoving food into my mouth that I cannot taste because my tongue has a coating of vodka on it. I might as well be eating a sponge.
Halfway through dinner the waiter comes back over.
"Can I get you another drink sir?"
"Sure, vodka soda, no lime."
Okay, so maybe the problem isn't the restaurant.