"What is she waiting
for? GO, GO, MOVE ALREADY! Oh my
god, this light isn't that long, why isn't she moving? Look.... oh, finally one car has gone through. C'mon,
faster, dammit faster... bzzzt... mmmmpht.. zaaaap!"
I fully expect that to be how
Mark dies. In the car, in a hurry, frustrated by texting, cell phone yakking,
inconsiderate assholes. While impatiently trying to get to Wendy's for lunch, his
brain will short circuit and then his head will explode. I understand, I used
to be the same way. Slow moving cars and gridlock traffic would always send me
into a tirade. When I was working I was always behind schedule and stuck in
traffic with customers paging me, asking when would I get there. Especially in
my last job. That one involved the maintenance of hospital pharmacy,
computerized med distribution. Nothing is bitchier than a nurse who cannot get
to her patient's meds, so I was always in a hurry. Not anymore. I'm retired and
I have no deadline. I sit in traffic listening to music, enjoying being alive
without a job. Mark, on the other hand, who has not worked in fifteen years, is
still always in a hurry. When driving, his blood pressure goes through the
roof, his body vibrates, he starts speaking in tongues, and every other car on
the road is his mortal enemy. I've tried to explain to him that he needs to
relax, that he has nowhere to be in such a hurry. He does not listen. So if you
are ever in your car and there is a blue PT Cruiser behind you honking the
horn, with a skinny man driving it cursing and screaming, wave at him. That will
be Mark, and the act of a friendly wave on your part will send him through the
roof.
"WHO ARE YOU WAVING AT BITCH. JUST GO, GO, MOVE GODDAMNIT!"
I think you'll be
entertained.
I've driven with Mark. You won't need coffee if you're sleepy. I'm the opposite and drive at what I call a progressive speed. It's an algorithm in my head which promotes missing red lights and move steadily along. Ron gets impatient and thinks I drive 20 mph but I speed up just enough to make lights and not sit and wait. I also watch people and look around while enjoying my drive. It will be interesting when Mark rides with me. He will probably call me grandpa and then realize we didn't stop anywhere and agree it's a good system but won't ever drive that slow or relax. That's who he is and I've learned to accept it. If he gets too crazy I will snap him out of it with humor and wit. Good luck and breathe deep Alan.
ReplyDeleteThanks Grandpa.
DeleteOk, so Sam is the guy who makes me miss the left-turn arrow as he slows down 1/2 a mile from the light! That's when I start swearing like my Dad.... get the "f" outta my way!! Stopping at a red light is much better than the bad karma you have wished upon you by the left-turn motorists!!
ReplyDeleteI think you should research some books on tape. I like the old Agatha Christie mysteries to get me down the road, but Mark might need some Deepak Chopra. Problem is if you switch whose driving and have the wrong tape in. Either you will fall into a deep meditative sleep at the wheel or Mark learns new ways to kill his fellow drivers.
ReplyDeleteBooks on CD's are what we use when traveling cross country. It sure makes the time go by. The only problem is my propensity to fall asleep. I make Mark go back to the chapter where I think I fell asleep and play it again. (Obviously I am not driving when I fall asleep.... usually.)
Delete