Things My Mom Has Said to Me

1953:  "Coffee will be much better off on a farm with other dogs." As we pulled up to a brick building in the city, with Coffee in the back seat.

1955:  "You'll like school. That's where the nuns are, and you like nuns. Don't you?"

1956 through 1968:  "How come you don't have any homework?"

1960:  "Stay away from that kid Carl down the street. He's a pervert."

1962:  "If you don't start doing better, we're going to send you to the Public School. You don't want to go to the Public School, do you?"  I did want to go to Public School. I took that as encouragement to do worse.

1968:  "Are you high on drugs?"

1969:  "You don't have bugs, do you?"  On my first visit back home after moving into an apartment with three of my friends.

1970:  "Oh, I know that. Just don't tell your father."  On my coming out as gay to my mom.

1973:  "He's kind of wishy washy. Like a wet rag." After meeting my new boyfriend. Poor guy, he didn't have a chance after that.

1985:  "Oh my god. Slow down, you drive like a maniac." That is actually something I said to Mom.

1988:  "Oh, yeeesshhh... please drive slower." Mom to me as I raced through the streets of Chicago with her in the back seat. Payback is a bitch.

1994:  "What's that smell?" Said during Mom and Dad's visit to my new house in Florida.

2002:  "Something smells horrible in my house."

2002:  (A couple of days later) "Your brother found a dead possum under my porch."

2016:  "Bye, bye honey. Thanks for calling. I love you." Around 2PM, last Sunday afternoon.