Five Ways to Tell If You Are Fat

Quick, what is this? a) An Easter Ham. b) A wad of used bubble gum. c) A prop from the remake of the movie, The Blob.

"What's that sound? Why do you make that sound all the time?"

"What sound? What the hell are you talking about?"

"When you reached for the door knob, you made a grunting sound."

"No I did not. I just let some air out a bit loudly."

Sometime later:

"There, you did it again. You made a grunting sound when you opened that drawer."

"Geez. Can't a guy breath? What the hell....  "

But Mark is correct. I am grunting and huffing and a puffing all day long, and I know why. I am a fat fucker. I have gained a lot of weight over the last couple of months and it is affecting a lot of things in my life. I know that I was kind of fat before the holidays, but this is entering obesity territory, way beyond just plump. Warning to all my siblings; We have a propensity to chub out and I think I have hit that hard. Here are a few points of fact that tell me I have to lose weight.

• That last video that I made. The one where I dress up as Alicia. Alicia is a big pig, but she was never that fat. I looked like a giant pink beach ball. I was aghast, absolutely aghast at what I saw. (Been wanting to use that word for a long time.)
• Those sounds I make. Every move outside of just waving my fat arms, makes me grunt, huff and puff. Just reaching for another donut takes my breath away.
• My shoes. I dread putting on my shoes. It is an ordeal to bend forward, pull my shoes on, and then tie them. What is even worse is that Scout is always there biting my toes as I try to put them on. She knows that she has the upper hand in that game, that the fat fuck can't stop her when he is doubled over squeezing out his last breath.
• My wardrobe. I have a Cubs shirt that used to be very loose on me. When I put it on for that last video, I could not even button the damn thing. My pants fit like a sausage casing and every time I sit down, if I don't pop the top button and unbuckle my belt, sitting is impossible. Even my giant winter coat fits very tight around the waist.
• And finally there is the bathroom. Close your virtual eyes if you are squeamish. I have to get nearly naked to sit on the pot or the clothing will strangle me. As for the standing up and peeing thing, I haven't seen that happen in months. All I see is a stream of water coming from some mystery place. It really makes for a lot of bad aims when I can't tell exactly which way things are pointing.