Lassie Come Home

(Actress, Not the real 'Lassie')

We're on our way home from the hardware store and Mark suggests we stop at Popeye's Chicken to pick up some lunch. I pull into the parking lot and Mark hands me a coupon and a twenty dollar bill.

"Here, take this coupon for five pieces of chicken, and make sure I get mashed potatoes with that."

So I go inside, there is no drive through here, and at the counter is the same woman who is always behind the counter, Lassie. Her name tag says 'Lassie'. She is a short, older black woman, with swagger. I place my order and hand Lassie the coupon.

"I don't take that coupon. You can have that order, but it will cost ten dollars."

I look at the coupon again, and then at the sign above Lassie's head. Sure enough they both say 'Popeye's Chicken'.

"But it isn't expired. It says seven, ninety nine, for five pieces..."

"That ain't my coupon, I don't take it here."

"Okay, I'll have to check" I turned and walked back out to the car, where I explained to Mark what Lassie had told me.

"What? Sputter... spit... how... "

He flung open the car door and stormed off into battle, his jacket and seatbelt flopping out onto the pavement behind him. I took a seat in the car and listened to the radio while waiting for him to come back out. Five minutes later, a chickenless Mark came storming out in a rage.

"No chicken?" I asked.

"That bitch doesn't know me. I'll have her job. She does not know...  Go to KFC.. I'll never step foot inside that place again. She gave me a corporate phone number. I called it while I was in there and nobody answered... sputter....spit... Just wait, she'll see... "

I started the car and drove off to KFC for our chicken lunch. Once again, Mark handed me the twenty dollar bill and instructed me to go get him his chicken. When I returned to the car, Mark was half in, half out, cursing and screaming.

"I can't find my wallet! Help, I can't breathe, I can't breathe."

While Mark stood there hyperventilating, I searched under the car seat, behind the car seat, and all around the car seat. No wallet.

"Where did you get that twenty you gave me?"

"I don't know. It's all your fault. It's a nightmare, a nightmare."

"Okay fine, it's a nightmare and it's all my fault. Now think, where did you get that twenty dollar bill you handed me?"

"My wallet. I got it out of my wallet."

The car got real quiet.

"I got it out of my wallet at Popeye's."

"So your wallet is probably at Popeye's."

I turned the car back towards Popeye's Chicken, the place Mark said he'd never step foot into again. He was real quiet until I pulled into the Popeye parking lot.

"I was real mean to her. I said some very nasty things."

I got out of the car and went inside. When I walked up to the counter, Lassie looked up at me with a look on her face that said, 'I got you now, sucker'.

"Did anybody here find a wallet?" I asked, knowing this was not going to be fun.

"Hmmm... And what am I supposed to do about that?"

"Um, well... "

"Is it your wallet?"

"No, it belongs to my friend, the guy out in the car."

Lassie just stared at me.

"Tall, skinny Black guy. Kind of nervous." I added, knowing that wasn't needed.

"He's gonna have to come in."

So I went back out to the car and informed Mark that Lassie wanted him to go inside.

"I was really nasty.... " Mark mumbled as he got out of the car and slinked into Popeye's.

Five minutes later, Mark comes walking back out with a Popeye's bag in his hand.

"Did you get your wallet back?"

"Yes."

"Is that chicken in that bag?"

"Yes."

"You bought more chicken?"

"Yes. She honored the coupon. She said that she was going to give it to me all along until I got nasty."

"So you bought more chicken? We have a bag of KFC already."

"I apologized. Lassie and I are friends now."

"You apologized and paid for another bag of chicken?"

"Shut up."