Friday, December 28, 2018

December 27, 2018. Can I have just one f**king day without drama?


Yesterday morning, around ten thirty, I leave the house to go buy some gloves to replace the ones I left in the shopping cart at the grocery store on Sunday. In the rain I drive over to Kohl's and find that everything is on sale. So I buy myself a pair of gloves, I buy Mark a pair of gloves, and I buy myself some underpants with "barn doors". I then stop by the Lebanese restaurant to pick up the gift card my sister bought me. All the time it is pouring rain, but I don't care. It isn't snow. A little rain isn't going to ruin what is supposed to be my day. When I got home, I pulled into the garage, walked up the back stairs and opened the back door. No dogs. Usually they are at the door ready to pounce on me. Instead Mark is leaning over the kitchen counter wheezing and crying
"I can't breathe, I can't breathe... What did you do with my scale? Waaaa..... "
Beyond the kitchen, in the dining room, the dogs are hiding under the table. Obviously there had been some kind of drama before I got home.
"I can't.... I just can't.... "
"Can't what?" I asked...   I shouldn't have.
"You hid my scale. I can't find my damn scale!!" Mark screamed at me.
I looked around. All the cabinet doors were wide open and on the floor, a raw egg was splattered across the tile.
"What happened there?" I asked...   I shouldn't have.
"I hate you." Mark yelled as he stormed out of the kitchen.
So I went over to the cabinet where Mark's scale was stored and pulled it out for him. Then I got on my hands and knees and cleaned up the egg he had dropped on the floor. When I had finished that, I went into the dining room and calmed the dogs who should be used to skinny daddy going nuts by now. As I talked to the dogs I let Mark know that the kitchen was now ready for him.
"I'm sorry." He said, "I was trying to bake you a birthday cake and it all went to shit."
It wasn't even twelve noon yet.

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