Pandora's Dox

 

This happens to me often. I prepare for a do it yourself job, either on my car or in the house. I look at the job and decide what tools I will need. So let’s say the job requires a flat head screwdriver and that’s all. I get a flat head screwdriver and proceed. Within minutes I realize I’ll need another tool, like maybe pliers. So it’s back to the tool cabinet for the pliers. An hour later I’ve dragged out the entire tool cabinet for the job and I’m cursing up a storm. I thought it would be a simple fix. A job that would take maybe five minutes. It never does.

Back in August I was having trouble urinating, especially at night. I would get up almost every hour on the hour. I would stand there in front of the toilet knowing I had to go, but nothing would happen. So I made an appointment with an urologist. I figured he would give me pills like the ones they used to advertise on television. You know, the one where the guy on the golf course has to stop at every hole and pee in the bushes. I got the pills, but the doctor also took a urine sample.

“The report shows that your urine is abnormal. So I’d like you to get a cat scan.”

I got the cat scan.

“The cat scan appears to show abnormalities in your prostate. I’d like to do a cystoscopy”

A what? It was then explained that a tiny camera would be shoved up my pee hole, all the way up through my prostate and into my bladder. I got the cystoscopy. It was not fun, but at least I got to see the inside of my wiener and bladder on a giant video screen.

“The cystoscopy looked fine, but the urinalysis still comes up abnormal. I’d like for you to get an MRI.”

I got the MRI.

“MRI shows that your prostate may have some malignant areas. I’d like to do a biopsy. We go in through your anus and take twelve samples.”

I got the biopsy. It was awful. That’s all I’m going to say about it. After the biopsy the doctor sat me down and said this.

“I noticed while looking at the MRI that your right kidney is not working. It looks like it hasn’t worked in a few years. Also, it appears to have the beginnings of a malignancy. I think it should be removed.”

So I agreed, and this week I went to my doctor for the pre-surgery clearance exam. He gave me an EKG while I was there.

“I’m afraid the EKG says that you might have had a heart attack sometime in the past. You will need to get an echocardiogram.”

Heart attack? Maybe when we were going through some mountains in the old PT Cruiser, and Mark was driving? Anyway, I got the echocardiogram today. While I lay there on my side getting the echocardiogram, the tech told me all about her UTI problems… in detail. Finally the UTI story was finished.

“All done. You’re fine. No evidence of any heart attack.

Sadly it’s not over yet. I still have the surgery ahead.  All I wanted was to pee.