Xanax

Mark's Nightmare

Over the weekend Mark and I took a quick little trip over to Warsaw, Indiana, to see a very fine production of Into the Woods at the Wagon Wheel Theater. It is our second year going there and I have to say that I am very impressed with the quality of the shows there. A couple of things about the trip though. First, there is Mark and his nervousness while riding in the car. He constantly scares the shit out of me by screaming "Look out!" into my ear. He thinks that every other car is hurtling towards our car and will surely kill us. So far, in the twenty years I have been chauffeuring Mark, it hasn't happened. Not even close. Also, when we go to Indiana, Mark is terrified when we drive across the Chicago Skyway Bridge. He thinks that it is too spindly, and that we will go flying off over the edge. That I can understand, because I don't even look to the right or left as we cross that thing. Anyway, this trip Mark's doctor gave him some Xanax® to calm him down and keep his blood pressure in check. Am I wrong, or isn't Xanax® some kind of sedative or downer? It seemed to have the opposite effect on Mark. He started talking the minute we got into the car in Chicago, and did not stop until we pulled into the motel parking lot in Warsaw. And yes, he did scream in terror a few times.

The second thing I noticed on this little trip were the people of Indiana. What is it with people in the rural areas of our country? Why do they all look so fat? I admit that there are fat people in the city, but out in the country they seem to be even more plump. Maybe the big buildings in the city make us look more svelte when standing next to them. Could it be all that corn that fattens our country cousins up? When we stopped at a Bob Evans Farms restaurant on the way to Warsaw, I think I saw the real reason. There was a woman the next table over who was at least three hundred pounds. That is not an exaggeration, three hundred pounds. In front of her was a huge plate of mashed potatoes with a large slab of meat, and all the extras. I looked away for just one minute, seriously one minute, and when I looked back her plate was empty. She sucked that food down faster than me and my brothers at Thanksgiving.

On our trip back to Chicago Mark took another Xanax®. Once again, he talked my ear off the whole way, screamed for me to "Look out!", and begged me not to take the Skyway Bridge. We did not stop at Bob Evans on the way back. Instead we had breakfast at another restaurant where they served me so much food that they had to bring it out on two plates. Seriously, I could probably hit three hundred pounds easily if I lived in Indiana.