Don't Get Cheeky With Me

Did you know that Rush Limbaugh got out of the draft, and thus out of serving in the Viet Nam War, because he had some kind of boil on his ass? If I had known it was that easy, I'd have never told them that I was gay. Although, I think my way was less degrading.

About a month ago I noticed a rash on my buttocks, and despite using every cream I could find in the medicine cabinet, it continued to grow and increase in itching. I finally went to the doctor, and he told me it was a fungus. A fungus? All I could conjure up in my mind were a bunch of little mushrooms growing on my butt. It gave me the creeps. The doc gave me an antifungal cream and in just a few days the rash disappeared. Then last Wednesday something else popped up on my right ass cheek about the size of a potato. Reaching back and giving it an inspection by hand, I immediately thought to myself, "Holy crap, the fungus is back and this time it's huge." I figured it would go away with the cream, but within twenty four hours it had doubled in size, and every time I sat down it was like a knife jabbing me in the butt. Once again I was off to the doctor. "It's a boil, and has nothing to do with the fungus.", He advised me. So now I am on antibiotics and have to sit in the bathtub three times a day. The doctor told me it would come to a head and drain out, and if that didn't happen I should return and he'd lance it. I hope it goes away soon. I can't sit, I can't walk, and right now I am kneeling on the floor in front of the computer writing this. Maybe the draft board should have looked for guys with boils on their asses instead of deferring them. It would make them really mean and nasty. Just ask Mark.