You'll Shoot Your Brains Out Kid

I grew up in a town that was mainly a farm town in the 1950's, so it wasn't unusual for some kids to go hunting once in a while. In junior high school there were at least four or five kids in my class who owned guns, .22 caliber rifles to be exact. That was what they hunted with and that was what they talked about occasionally. Their quarry of choice was usually squirrels and rabbits.  Never once did I hear them speak of bringing a gun to school or of using one on another person. They hunted, that was it. I don't know what has happened in the intervening fifty years that turned a pastime into a cult. What is it that took the gun out of the hands of hunters and turned it into a badge of manhood for the insecure?

            Walking my dogs through the neighborhood six times a day, at different times of day, I have seen some strange things. I once saw a raccoon sitting in a sewer, reaching out through the grate. Chandler thought that was kind of crazy too. (It had crawled up the pipe from the outlet to the canal. It left the same way.) Anyway, the strangest thing I have encountered while walking my dogs though, is assholes with guns. In the first instance my dog Molly grabbed a little, fluffy white dog and left a large gash in the little dog's belly. The first thing out of the owner's mouth was, "I'm going to get my gun and kill you!" Not, help me get my dog to the emergency vet, but, I'm going to shoot you with a gun. He didn't. I called the police when I got home and had them go over there and calm my crazy neighbor down. I paid for all of his dog's vet bills plus some, and sent a nice basket of dog goodies over. The asshole still hates me. The other day I was walking Chandler when I saw a guy on a bicycle approaching. Knowing that Chandler likes to chase and bark at bikes, I shortened up his leash and held on tight. We were at least fifteen feet away so I wasn't worried that Chandler might get a mouthful of this guy. Sure enough Chandler tried to lunge while barking at the cyclist. The cyclist slowed down, turned around, and said, "I'm going to shoot that goddamned dog."

            For sixty four years I have lived on this Earth without ever thinking that I needed a gun. I don't have a gun, never have, my penis is adequate thank you. The trouble with guns is that it emboldens people to say and do things that they would normally never do. It's kind of like cocaine without the numbness. The truth is that having a gun around the house is more likely to end up hurting somebody unintentionally than actually protecting you from a "bad guy". So I am sorry if I insult any of my friends or relatives, but if you have a gun in your house for any reason besides hunting  you are a moron. Nobody is after you, nobody wants to come in your house and kill you. That only happens in movies, and occasionally, very occasionally, in real life. Unless you live on the south side of Chicago, then maybe.