On LSD

Chandler in Lincoln Park

Friday, Mark and I decided it would be nice to visit the other side of Chicago. So we got in the car and took off for Canaryville, a neighborhood on the Southside. We went down there to visit with Chuck and Doug and go out for some lunch at a nice little Mexican restaurant. After lunch and a visit with Sam the dog, and Kaye, Doug's mom, it was time to travel the seventeen miles back to the northern end of the city. Just seventeen miles. I usually can do it in about thirty minutes, door to door. Being a conscientious traveler, I take the time to go to the bathroom before leaving.

2:26PM, We wave goodbye and drive on out to 47th Street. Traveling east to the Dan Ryan Expressway was relatively easy except for the giant semi trucks that clogged the entry to the highway.

2:33PM, Finally on the expressway, moving along nicely at seventy miles per hour.

2:34PM, Brake lights ahead. Lots of brake lights as we come to a complete stop in a long line of cars trying to exit for Lake Shore Drive.

2:40PM, We enter Lake Shore Drive as we creep past the giant McCormick Place Convention Center. More brake lights ahead, and I inform Mark that "I have to pee." We then come to a full stop half a mile from the first downtown traffic light. Most of LSD (Lake Shore Drive) is limited access, but downtown there are a series of traffic lights.

2:45PM, We have moved about twenty feet. I still have to pee. Yes, I know I just peed at Chuck and Doug's house twenty minutes ago. Welcome to old age and old man bladder syndrome.

2:46PM, The car ahead of me starts to move and before I can react, some asshole cuts across in front of me and into the left turn lane. Mark screams and suddenly finds religion. I simply close the gap so nobody else can try that.

2:47PM, The asshole who cut across in front of me to make a left turn decides that he is not going to make a left turn and cuts me off again. Mark screams, I remind Mark that I have to pee, and traffic crawls forward.

2:55PM, We're sitting about two blocks south of Randolph Street watching the light change from red to green, to red, to green, to red, to green without anybody moving. Now I scream, "I HAVE TO PEE GODDAMNIT!! LET'S MOVE ALREADY YOU ASSHOLES!!." Mark has a solution to my problem, "Pull over and pee in the park."  I ask, "Where is this magical place you want me to pull over to? You want me to jump the curb and drive up on the grass? I should just pee in front of all the tourists on those stupid Segway things?" I now start wiggling my legs like a child standing outside an occupied bathroom door.

3:03PM, We have moved thirty feet and the asshole who cut me off is still in front of me.

3:05PM, Mr. Cutoff Asshole has decided to get in the left lane again.

3:06PM, Mr. Cutoff Asshole tries to cut me off again. Not this time Mister. I close the gap, but he keeps on coming. I don't give in.

3:08PM, Mr. Cutoff Asshole has somehow managed to cross over behind me and whipped around to the right of me. He has his window rolled down and starts to yell something. Mark gives him the evil eye. Asshole is a white guy. White guys are afraid of Black guys and Asshole rolls his window back up and lurches away. We're going about four miles per hour. I really, really have to pee now. There is no place to get off the highway so I plod forward.

3:11PM, We've made it past two broken down cars and I see nothing in front of me but the last of the LSD traffic lights. It has turned yellow and I punch down on the accelerator. Mark screams in terror, "Slow down, oh Jesus, slow down." But I can't. I have to pee so bad that I'm sure I will piss my pants. The exits fly by but I don't get off because I know there are no restrooms at those exits. North Avenue, Fullerton Avenue, Belmont Avenue, Irving Park Road. And then I see Montrose Avenue. I know Montrose Avenue and I know there is a bathroom somewhere by Montrose Harbor in Lincoln Park, so I pull off the highway, wiggling my legs, gritting my teeth, and clutching the steering wheel while praying I don't pee in my pants. It feels like the monster from Alien is trying to burst out of my stomache. The plumbing in my lower gut can't hold on anymore and I stop the car at the first clump of bushes I see.

3:20PM, I pee. Or at least I try to. Funny thing about holding it. When you finally try to release, nothing happens other than intense pain. After a few moments of trying, a trickle finally starts to come. I'm peeing, and I'm peeing and peeing and peeing. I look up and two park employees are staring at me from their little golf cart. So I put the pee on hold and go back to the car.

"What were those guys saying?" I ask Mark.

"They were trying to tell you that there's a bathroom a hundred feet away."

Good to know. I got in the car and drove around the corner. There it was, not even one hundred feet away, with a parking spot right in front. I went in and finished peeing.

3:39PM, We're home. I open the back door of our house to two very anxious dogs. They had to go out and pee.