Monday, September 28, 2020

I'll Be Okay

 


Sometime between four in the morning and six thirty in the morning last Thursday, the man I lived with for twenty three years, passed away peacefully in his sleep. Mark had been having health problems for many years and this last year was a swift downhill slide to the end. I tried to avoid writing about Mark's illness in my blog out of respect for his wishes. The truth is that we knew he had end stage COPD for quite awhile. COPD is a terrible disease. With only ten percent of his lung capacity left, it felt to Mark as if he were being smothered. Some days were better than others, but the bad days were bad. In the end the disease affected other parts of his body. I honestly don't know how he lived as long as he did. Mark hadn't eaten more than a few morsels of food in the last four months, and nothing at all last week. If he managed to swallow half a spoonful of Jello, it came back up as fast as it went down. For the last two months Mark was totally bedridden and I did everything for him. Now he's gone and I won't have to watch him suffer anymore.

As for me, I miss him so much more than I thought I would. Occasionally I think I hear him calling for me, but I know he's not there. He did that often. He would call me into the bedroom for water, for help with his personal hygiene, and even when he wanted the channel changed on the television. I don't have that duty anymore and my time as a nurse is now over. So I will be okay. I'm not some fragile little flower. I can deal with the grief and sadness. For one thing, I have already started de-cluttering the house. I had refused to touch anything as long as Mark was still alive. I thought it would be disrespectful. The de-cluttering gives me something to do and really kind of gives me some joy. It helps me keep the sadness at bay. My only problem is speaking to family, friends, and others about Mark. Really, other than the sudden sobbing in the middle of a conversation, I am fine. So as long as I don't talk to anybody about Mark, I'm okay.


14 comments:

  1. :( No words except that I'm so incredibly sorry. This year just couldn't get much shittier.

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  2. Our sympathies, Alan. Pearl above has captured this well. Decluttering sounds as though it is useful therapy. Wishing you kindness and peace. ~ Roger and Larry

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  3. I'm sorry for your loss. You can always reach out to me for any help needed. Don't be shy.

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  5. Lots of love, my friend ... from someone who went through it all, less than a year ago.

    Call anytime.

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  6. It is even so difficult for me to read your words. Little can I imagine how you must feel as I feel so bad myself.
    Sometime we'll talk about anything, I'm a call away

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  7. Been there. the silence is deafening. He is everywhere and nowhere. The both of you were such a big part of my life in Florida . If you need help I am more than happy to help with the decluttering and the sale. You know how to find me . and yes you will be fine Love You

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  8. We loved Mark.

    Ron, Den and Claudio.

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  9. Dear Alan, What sadness to come to your blog and read about the man you love and shared life, I am sorry. Grief has a road map all its own. Much love as you walk through it.

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  10. This is my first time at your blog, (I popped over from Corey's) I am so sad to read about your partner, I really am. I don't know you or he, but I know love, and I know grief. Please do whatever brings you where you need to be. Please know I hope for you only good memories and peace as you relive your time with Mark. For me, sometimes it is very difficult to speak of my loss, yet I need to be with someone...I have found that hanging out with little kids helps a lot. They don't judge your grief, they ask honest questions, they're funny and compassionate, and they freely give hugs and pats on your cheek. If you have friends with littles, this might bring you some relief during the 'crap' times. Hugs dear man, I weep with you and sincerely care.

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  11. I am another popover from French La Vie - where we all take care of each other and send them strength and care. Breathe in and breathe out. Do one minute and then another. The pain never goes away but it changes and you begin to endure and hope again. We are all here in love - people are good if you give them a chance to love you. You are not alone. God loves you.

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  12. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Mark sounded like a wonderful man. I loved hearing the stories about your life togehter.
    xo,
    jackie

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  13. Alan,
    I told you it would take a teenager to help me figure out how to make my comments show up...and yes, it took her about 5 seconds.
    jackie

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