Toilet Paper Review

 

Years ago I was into the ecology thing. I was living with my hippie friends out in Iowa, in a hundred year old farm house. We were eating whole wheat pancakes, flushing the toilet once a day. We drank goats milk, and smoked a lot of pot. There was an organic vegetable garden just outside the kitchen door, and we didn't eat meat. We were conserving the planet. We wore recycled clothing, I had a gas sipping Volkswagen van, and we paid for it all with a cool blues/hippie/rock band. Sure the band used electricity for the instruments, but it was music. You have to make some compromises. After a year of living 'off the land' (Which we weren't actually doing) I moved back to Chicago where I continued, off and on, as a vegetarian, ecology loving human. My problem is that I really liked automobiles. Also, meat, cigarettes, vodka, beer, and electricity. I liked heat in the winter. It became apparent to me after a few years that with the human population growing at an exponential rate, we didn't have a chance of saving the environment. At least not for human existence. I gave up worrying about things I couldn't control, like climate change. Still, over the years I have kind of shifted back and forth between complete disregard for environmental concerns, and half hearted participation in saving the planet. So that was where my mind was a few weeks ago while shopping at the Jewel supermarket. I was in the paper aisle. Toilet, towels, tissue paper, that kind of stuff. That's when I realized they were all out of my brand of toilet paper. There was another brand there on the shelf and it was on sale. It was an eco-friendly toilet paper made out of recycled paper. What the hell, I thought, I'll give it a try. I'll do my part helping the Earth and my fellow humans. I finally tried it out this week. I used my last roll of the brand I usually use, and mounted a roll of the 'green' toilet paper. Here is my review of that paper as told to me by my butt. Do not buy toilet paper made from recycled paper. Do not wipe your ass with it. Do not use it for anything other than stationary, or maybe for fine furniture sanding.