Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Burp

Ancient Roman Vomitorium

Men. Women. Vomitorium. In every tavern there should be three doors, with one of those words on those doors. No reason to disgust those of us who don’t over-imbibe, with the sickness of those who do.

Again this morning I heard the squeals of horror coming from the bedroom. I ran to the door and looked in. There was Mark running through the room screaming, holding Fat Kitty while she spewed her morning vittles across the floor. You have to be fast when the cat starts heaving. First you have to get her off the bed, away from the carpet, and then aim her towards a floor area that will be easy to clean. Next, you have to be faster than Chandler, who looks upon this as an opportunity to gorge on his favorite food, cat excretions. Moments after fighting off Chandler, and cleaning up Fat Kitty’s mess, I heard Mark scream again. Fat Kitty had one more morsel to expel, and she did it with panache. It shot out of her mouth, arced across the room, and landed conveniently, in front of Chandler. This time I didn’t fight him for it.

I know that the word vomitorium doesn’t actually refer to a room in which vomiting is done. It is a theater entrance/exit, but it is so descriptive of what the cats do in our bedroom, I think the dictionary people should consider amending the definition. The cats obviously look upon our bedroom as their personal puke palace, and will come in from the carpet-less living room just to hack up lunch, so why not vomitorium.

Vom-i-to-ri-um [vom-i-tawr-ee-uhm] (noun)
1. An entrance/exit under theater seats.
2. A room where bar patrons can disgorge their drinks to make room for more liquor.
3. Mark and Alan’s bedroom.

15 comments:

  1. f*cking hilarious Alan...I can hear Mark squealing, the cat heaving, Chandler on cleanup crew.
    I'm laughing so hard I threw up morning vittles myself.
    WTF is it with cats and vomit on upholstery?

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  2. we also have a vomitorium, but it's dog vomit.

    When she was younger she was nice enough to make it to hard floor, lately she's too lazy even to get off the bed. sigh.

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  3. This story killed me. I have people stopping by my cubicle to find out why I'm giggling so loud.

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  4. F*cking hilarious is right! I can see everything you're talking about as I read this Alan-soooo funny! Good thing I didn't read this at work I was laughing so hard!

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  5. Alan, you're so descriptive your story made me nauseous. I love the picture of Chandler grinning.... you can tell he knows that he won the race for "kitty spew"!!

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  6. I made a nurse nauseous? I am so proud.

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  7. The whole thing sounds like one very gross experience indeed.

    Once my cat vomited on the vacuum cleaner, and a week later she did it again on the vacuum cleaner pipe bit- very hard to clean.

    She shat in the bath tub in the old place once too, and covered it over with a hand towel... initiative.

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  8. I always wonder what the animals think when they see me going in the bathroom. They are welcome to use it as long as they go in the toilet and flush. I had a cat who liked to use the bathroom, but she pooped on the little rug, then buried it by folding the rug over it.

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  9. P.S. Chkn, gross experiences happen here all the time, I am simply used to them.

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  10. You need to mix some of that hairball prevention dry cat food in with her regular food.

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  11. Alan, nurses do get nauseous. They just learn how to control the gag reflex and keep a pleasant look on their face! I remember a girl in nursing school who was only there to please her mom. She was cleaning up a man who had "shat" (thank you Chkn!)his bed and as he was rolled on his side, she puked into the sheets. Then she quit and went to beauty school!

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  12. But did she clean up the puke before she quit?

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  13. Just rolled it into the sheet with the "shat"!

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  14. I must say that I laughed more at this than anything else I have read as of late.

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  15. Rocky and Stella sleep in Kevin's room... it has always been their personal vomit-room. Of course it is carpeted... it looks like a leopard skin most mornings. It barely affects me anymore...

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