We are in the car and Mark is going nuts again. This time it's because he's stuck behind a driver worse than him. I know I've called Mark the worst driver in the world before, but the truth is there are worse, and we are behind one of them right now. The car in front of us is one of hundreds of thousands of Mercury Grand Marquis here in Florida, all driven by the same old geezer who bought it the year before he retired. This particular MGM (Mercury Grand Marquis) is a faded grey beast that is barely moving, and is sputtering along on seven cylinders. The odor of gasoline is so strong that Mark is afraid to get too close, for fear it may burst into flames any minute. Unfortunately his turn signal, that has been on for the last mile, indicates he is going the same direction as we are. I don't know why Mercury Grand Marquis's are the auto of choice for the old retired buzzards of Florida. Maybe they like the feel of all that metal around them as they accidentally jam on the accelerator instead of the brakes, and go flying through the window of the 7-Eleven. Or maybe it reminds them of the 1950's, when cars weighed two tons, and had fins with a wingspan wider than a DC3. I just hope as we are sitting behind him at the stop light, and the gasoline fumes are wafting through our open windows, that he doesn't flip a lit cigar out of the window.Wednesday, February 11, 2009
MGM Grand
We are in the car and Mark is going nuts again. This time it's because he's stuck behind a driver worse than him. I know I've called Mark the worst driver in the world before, but the truth is there are worse, and we are behind one of them right now. The car in front of us is one of hundreds of thousands of Mercury Grand Marquis here in Florida, all driven by the same old geezer who bought it the year before he retired. This particular MGM (Mercury Grand Marquis) is a faded grey beast that is barely moving, and is sputtering along on seven cylinders. The odor of gasoline is so strong that Mark is afraid to get too close, for fear it may burst into flames any minute. Unfortunately his turn signal, that has been on for the last mile, indicates he is going the same direction as we are. I don't know why Mercury Grand Marquis's are the auto of choice for the old retired buzzards of Florida. Maybe they like the feel of all that metal around them as they accidentally jam on the accelerator instead of the brakes, and go flying through the window of the 7-Eleven. Or maybe it reminds them of the 1950's, when cars weighed two tons, and had fins with a wingspan wider than a DC3. I just hope as we are sitting behind him at the stop light, and the gasoline fumes are wafting through our open windows, that he doesn't flip a lit cigar out of the window.
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Cars are the devil's work, Alan. I'm making signs right now: "nice tits", "suck it", and "air thief"
ReplyDeleteThese I will use to maneuver around drivers in the Philly area. I'm also gonna get a gun permit.
If I didnt' drink while I drove, I just don't know what I'd do...
Historical fact: When I moved here, Florida allowed you to drink and drive as long as you weren't drunk. Now they arrest you, jail you, charge you thousands of dollars, and call your mother names. WTF??
ReplyDeleteDid he have big coke bottle bottom eyeglasses too?
ReplyDeleteIs there any law that requires drivers over the age of...ah, let's say...65ish take annual vision, physical and competency tests. Or at least every other year.
ReplyDeleteAh...OH...65,,,FU...you're almost there, what do you think?
ReplyDeleteI will never, ever drive
ReplyDeleteThis story reminds me of my mother-in-law who never, ever drove until her hubby/chauffeur died in 1989. At age 69 she had to learn out in Pueblo, CO. Her stories amaze me that she survived, but I wonder how many accidents she caused. She only knew how to turn the car on, never used the heat, A/C, radio, OR turn signals! She complained to Rick that "something was wrong with the car. Everytime I make a right turn the wheel goes over the curb." ??????
ReplyDeleteMGMs now? They used to be old Buicks when I lived in Florida, years ago. And when I lived in Florida, there were drive-thru liquor stores. I never could believe that one.
ReplyDeleteDeannaizeme: The huge Buicks and drive through liquor stores are gone. There may be a connection.
ReplyDelete