The wailing cries of a wounded animal coming from our bedroom startles me. No, not one of the dogs, it's Mark. He's pulled a muscle in his back and has been whining all day that "It hurts". I get up out of the big fluffy chair and go in there.
"What's wrong?" I ask
"My back is killing me. Help me."
Once again I have to stress that I do not have the nursing gene within my makeup. I am not like my nursey sisters who seem to have the patience and empathy to help the afflicted.
"I can't make it stop hurting. I don't have a stash of morphine lying around the house Mark."
"What about those pills you take every day?"
"Pills? You mean Excedrin? Okay, I can do that."
So I fetch a couple of Excedrin and a glass of water and hope for the best. I swear, if he interrupts my mid-afternoon nap again I'm going to look into institutionalizing him.
What I hadn't anticipated with the Excedrin is the fact that it tends to eat through your stomach lining. I've been popping those things for so long that my stomach has become inured to the acid they produce. Thirty minutes after swallowing the two Excedrin Mark is crying out again.
"My stomach hurts."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot. Excedrin needs food in your stomach. How about a cookie? Would you like a cookie?" I ask, remembering that a 'cookie' usually placates the dogs. So I bring Mark a bit of food and a Tums antacid, hoping that this will fix things. No such luck. About an hour later Mark is screaming for help. I once again get up and go to the bedroom. There sitting on the side of the bed is Mark holding the thermometer.
"Oh my god, I'm really sick. I have a fever now."
"What do you mean you have a fever?"
"I have a 99.7 temperature. I think I should go to a doctor."
"You do not have a fever, you do not get a fever from a back ache. Besides, a fever is like a 101 degrees. What you have is a hot flash. Does your back hurt right now?"
"Does your stomach still hurt?"
"So the Excedrin got rid of the back pain, but it makes your stomach hurt. Win some, lose some. The stomach pain will pass. Just relax and watch TV, and stop bugging me already."
Yes, the Excedrin worked on Mark. It got rid of the pain in his back. Unfortunately it didn't do anything for the pain my ass. He's still sitting in the bedroom whining.