Five Scenarios

The phone rings, it's six thirty in the evening and we have just sat down for dinner. I put down my fork and answer it. It's a political poll wanting to ask me a few questions. I yell into the phone, "You mother f%#%@$&*%........ bastards!" But the person on the other end doesn't hear the full tirade. They've hung up.

The phone rings, it is nine in the morning and I have just laid down after walking the dogs and feeding the cats. I'm still tired. I drag myself out of the bed, search for the telephone, and when I find it I pleasantly say "Hello". On the other end is an insurance company who is trying to trick me into believing they are from the Medicare office. They aren't, and I tell them so, "You asshole son of a #@%# &$#@..... bastard!"

It's early afternoon and I have stepped out to get the mail from the mailbox out front. As I slowly walk back while perusing the mail addressed to me, I can hear the phone ringing. So I pick up the pace, bust open the door and desperately grab for the phone. The nice sounding man on the phone starts into his little speech about some charity that I've never heard of before. This time I'm much more subdued and polite. "NO!" I scream, and hang up.

Again the phone is ringing. It's evening and I am ensconced in my big fluffy chair. After putting the television on pause, I reach for the phone. "Hello sir, I am calling on behalf of the Broward County Police Benevolent... ".  I don't let him get another word out. "I've already given to the police. I pay property taxes. Besides," I add, "I hate cops", and as I hear the voice in the phone trying to reason with me, I hang up.

It's mid morning. I'm sitting on the porcelain throne desperately trying to squeeze out a tough one, when the phone rings. I pinch it off mid-turd, and scramble out to the living room. I pick up the telephone. It's my best friend Dennis. So I take the phone back to the bathroom with me and continue about my business while talking and joking with Dennis, never letting on that I'm taking a dump.