Friday, September 5, 2014

Five Scenarios



The phone rings, it's six thirty in the evening and we have just sat down for dinner. I put down my fork and answer it. It's a political poll wanting to ask me a few questions. I yell into the phone, "You mother f%#%@$&*%........ bastards!" But the person on the other end doesn't hear the full tirade. They've hung up.

The phone rings, it is nine in the morning and I have just laid down after walking the dogs and feeding the cats. I'm still tired. I drag myself out of the bed, search for the telephone, and when I find it I pleasantly say "Hello". On the other end is an insurance company who is trying to trick me into believing they are from the Medicare office. They aren't, and I tell them so, "You asshole son of a #@%# &$#@..... bastard!"

It's early afternoon and I have stepped out to get the mail from the mailbox out front. As I slowly walk back while perusing the mail addressed to me, I can hear the phone ringing. So I pick up the pace, bust open the door and desperately grab for the phone. The nice sounding man on the phone starts into his little speech about some charity that I've never heard of before. This time I'm much more subdued and polite. "NO!" I scream, and hang up.

Again the phone is ringing. It's evening and I am ensconced in my big fluffy chair. After putting the television on pause, I reach for the phone. "Hello sir, I am calling on behalf of the Broward County Police Benevolent... ".  I don't let him get another word out. "I've already given to the police. I pay property taxes. Besides," I add, "I hate cops", and as I hear the voice in the phone trying to reason with me, I hang up.

It's mid morning. I'm sitting on the porcelain throne desperately trying to squeeze out a tough one, when the phone rings. I pinch it off mid-turd, and scramble out to the living room. I pick up the telephone. It's my best friend Dennis. So I take the phone back to the bathroom with me and continue about my business while talking and joking with Dennis, never letting on that I'm taking a dump.

8 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you're talking about. I am so sick of the political calls, the charity calls and the police calls. I do exactly what you do except the last one - I don't talk to anyone while I'm in the bathroom! I had enough interruptions when my kids were little!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Do me a favor, call me back later...much later

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just because your phone rings doesn't mean you have to drop everything and race to answer it in time before it stops ringing. If it's really important those calling you will leave a message. Relax and stop racing to the phone. Screen your calls before you answer. When a telemarketer or charity calls me and catches me off guard I add them to my cell phones contact list as "Do not answer 1,2,3,4 and so on.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Another scenario:
    Caller: Hello I'm calling from such and such medical insurance company and need to you about a recent change in your insurance.....

    Is this (your name goes here)?....

    You: Yes that's me.....

    Caller: To verify your identity can you hive us the last four digits of you social security number or your mother's maiden name?...You: Hold on! I just don't give my personal information to anyone who calls telling me to verify who I am. How do I know who you really are? Can you just email me in writing what you want so I can verify who you are? You should have my email address if you are really from the ABC Insurance Company. Also I'll need your name and phone number so I can verify who you are?

    Legit Caller: Yes, my name is....Our phone number is....

    Crook caller: Hangs up.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Garrett, you take things too literally.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yet another scenario:
    Caller: Hi I want to sell you something.
    Alan: Sure. fire away. Is it OK if I take a poop will you run through your sales pitch?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Full disclosure admission here, I had to get a full time job. At 58 with faltering eyesight and hazy, at best, computer skills I took what I could. Yes, that would be a position at a "call center." Believe it or not I have called Wilton Manor (I was so excited when I realized we were in that part of the USA!) I kept looking for your name in the "primary contact field," but alas...no Alan on the list. I actually like talking to the lonely old people-who want to stay on the phone as long as possible, but I do get my fair share of angry people too. Come to think of it, maybe I have talked to you:) lol!

    ReplyDelete