Tuesday, November 25, 2014

This Post Sucks

I remember when my mom got her new Kenmore vacuum cleaner. I was probably  around eight years old and that new vacuum impressed me. Mostly because it had a headlight on it. I'd pull that thing out at night and run it around in the darkened living room pretending I was driving a car, something I'm sure my mom found delightful. A few years ago Mark requested a new vacuum cleaner for Christmas. It seemed like a pedestrian sort of present, but I obliged. Then it dawned on me, Mark probably didn't even know what a vacuum looked like. I had never seen him pushing one around. The new vacuum was for me. Thank you Santa.

Over the years I have learned of the secret powers of vacuum cleaners. They're good for sucking up dust bunnies, small scraps of paper, and coins. Anything you don't feel like bending over to pick up, a good vacuum cleaner will grab it for you. Vacuum cleaners are also great dog training tools. My dogs immediately skulk off into another room when the vacuum is pulled out. Turn that sucker on, and I can herd a pack of dogs better than an Australian Shepherd with a flock of sheep. I've also learned of the power of the vacuum cleaner to stop spousal nagging. For two days Mark has been nagging me to clean the house for Thanksgiving. So yesterday afternoon I dragged the vacuum cleaner out into the living room and leaned it against a bookcase. It gave the appearance of something being done without anything actually being accomplished, other than my being able to sit and watch television for a few more hours without being nagged.


  1. This is simply brilliant, Alan. I'm going home and leaning the vacuum against something tonight.

  2. So would a vacuum made in Wisconsin be known as a Hoosier Hoover?

  3. A vacuum made in Indiana might.