Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Alan's Unsolicited Advice for Young People



As time races by and I hurtle towards my sixty sixth birthday, I think that it would be a good idea for me to impart some wisdom that I have acquired over the years. I do this for the benefit of the young people so that they won't make the same mistakes that I've seen people make over the years.

Sex; Have sex, and have sex even if the other person doesn't quite fit your taste or idea of the perfect sex partner. Forty years from now that might be the hottest sex you ever had, you just don't realize it right now. What you might not understand is that this is the cutest you will ever look in your life. From around twenty five on, things start to sag, turn to flab, and go limp. So don't sit around waiting for that perfect person to come along. It may never happen, so do it now.

Drugs; Be careful with drugs, and by drugs I'm only talking about those things that are addictive, like heroin, Oxycodone, crack cocaine, cigarettes, bacon, M&M Peanuts. If you read in the newspaper that a certain drug will make you run down the street naked and try to eat somebody's face off, don't do that drug. Pot is okay, but you will find you will have less interest in it as you get older. Dementia will fill that marijuana void.

Alcohol; A really severe hangover will usually instill a sense of caution when drinking. So go ahead and overdo it. Drink twelve beers, or too many shots of disgusting liqueur. Get stinking drunk. Eventually you will have the hangover of hangovers. Your stomach will be coming out of your mouth and it will taste like cat poop. Your head will pound like a kid beating on a plastic drum outside Wrigley Field. That day will come where death seems to be a viable option over the pain and nausea of the hangover you have. That is the hangover you  will remember for the rest of your life and it will make you think twice the next time somebody puts a shot of J├Ągermeister or Jeppson's Malort in front of you. To this day I can still vividly remember projectile vomiting while lying in a bed, in somebody's basement, while my brain tried to hide in a corner of my skull. It went on for hours and hours until the hostess asked me to leave. I was twenty two years old, and I've never been that drunk again in my life. Well almost never. There was that time I confused the linen closet with the toilet.

Money; Always have your own. Never borrow from relatives. Don't steal money from other people. And Don't rely on Social Security to fund your retirement. If you do, be ready to live on a diet of ramen noodles and fruit flavored drinks that come in gallon plastic containers. Just like when you were in college.

You're welcome.

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