I Have Foot in Mouth Disease

My Actual Feet

Before I start let me assure you that my podiatrist is a very good doctor and the problem is me, not him. Okay, so I went to see the podiatrist Saturday morning for my annual checkup and to get orthotic insoles for my new shoes. We usually have a very instructive discussion, where I learn a lot things about my feet. This time, however, I got to show the doc a little something. At  the Fleet Feet Shoe Store, they had me stand on a little platform and they took a three dimensional photo of my feet. That photo was then downloaded to my phone so that I was able to show it to my doctor. He found it interesting and told me it confirmed everything he had told me. That my feet are screwed up. Then the conversation turned to when I was a little boy and my mom took me to the shoe store. I told the doctor about how the store had an x-ray machine that you would stick your foot into so that you could get an exact fit. The shoe store machine had no shielding, and no protection at all. I still remember staring down into it at my feet, radiation streaming into my face. The doc shook his head and said that he had heard of those machines, but that he had never seen one.

"Really, you never went to a shoe store that had one of those x-ray machines?"

"No, that was before my time."

"Huh," I looked him over and said, "How old are you?"

"I'm fifty eight years old. How old did you think I was?"

The doctor was not smiling. I was embarrassed. I thought he was at least near seventy years old. Gray hair, wrinkles, smart, all the signs of a wizened elderly doctor.  So I changed the subject.

"Yes, so this right foot. The neuroma stump you told me about, that thing is hurting a lot lately. Maybe we can just cut the foot off and you can give me one of those springy feet like the amputee runners have."

The doctor's face looked grim.

"Not funny. Not funny at all. I've had to do too many amputations in my life and I don't like it."

My visit with the doctor ended soon after that. I hope he doesn't put me on the do not allow back list.