Installing the Tushy

Best that the photo is blurred. It's not a pretty sight.

So Mark has been whining since last Friday for me to install his new butt washer. I told him not to order that bidet, and when he ordered it I told him I wouldn't install it, and when it came I told him it couldn't be done. Yesterday he had whined enough that I gave in and tried to install his new ass splasher. What could go wrong? I'm old, I'm fat, and I have arthritis. I'm the perfect handyman. I pulled the bidet out of the box and read the instructions. Hmmm..... 'Turn off the water to the toilet'. I looked, and there was no handle on the valve to the toilet. So I had to go down to the basement and turn off the water there. Back upstairs I disconnected the supply to the toilet and connected the little valve that came with the bidet. Then I connected the hose that came with the bidet, and finally connected the bidet to the hose. I then went downstairs and turned the water back on. By the time I got upstairs a sizeable puddle had formed around the toilet. I cursed a bit, and ran back down to the basement and turned off the water. After reconnecting everything and double checking, I went downstairs and turned the water back on. This time when I got upstairs there was a fountain spewing water against the bathroom wall. I ran back downstairs. After a few more runs up and down the stairs, all the leaks were gone. So before I put the bidet on the toilet, I took it for a test run. I turned the little knob and water squirted out. Squirted right out onto the crotch of my pants leaving a large wet spot. I cursed. While my pants spun around in the dryer, in my underpants I attempted to install the new bidet permanently. Following the instructions, I laid down the rubber gaskets, adjusted the holes to fit the toilet, and dropped the toilet seat bolts through all of that. Now I had a toilet seat sitting on top of the bidet, sitting at an angle to the front. In other words, chances are Mark might slip off the toilet if I leave it like that. Worse yet, the bolts are not long enough. I cannot secure the toilet seat and the bidet to the toilet. I cursed. I cursed Mark, I cursed Tushy, and I cursed Amazon.com for selling it to Mark. Today I will go over to the hardware store and get longer bolts. I will install Mark's bidet. The toilet seat will slant towards the front of the toilet and at some point Mark will slide off of it. I will laugh.