Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Mark's Comedy Corner

I woke up this morning feeling as if I had gone to a gym and had a serious workout yesterday. I didn't. Despite all the aches and pain, I did not go to a gym yesterday. No, I fell yesterday. I fell hard on the floor in the bedroom, and this is why I fell.
This is how the world looks to a person with glaucoma. No, not Mark's face everywhere you look. The blotchy voids, the peripheral vision gone, that's how it looks. I was walking into the bedroom with a glass of ice in my hand and something reached up from the floor and grabbed my foot. As I fell like a giant redwood tree I could see the glass of ice flying through the air, and just before I hit the clothes hamper with my face the thought went through my head that, that was going to make quite a mess.

I lay motionless on the floor for about a minute. There was no screaming anymore, just me quietly assessing things. My foot hurt a bit, and my head hurt, but what I noticed most was the giant splinter of wicker from the hamper sticking out of my hand. All this happened just before dinner. We had a guest over, and I was going into the bedroom with a glass of ice to fetch some water. Now you would think Mark and our dinner guest would have come running into the bedroom, all concerned and worried. They didn't. Instead Mark saw this as a chance to do his stand up comedy routine.
"Oh look, Alan's fawlin and he can't get up."
From the living room I hear a few chuckles from the dinner guest.
"Is there any blood? I don't do blood."
More chuckles.

As I peeled myself up off the floor, I looked around for the glass of ice that had been launched from my hand. I found the glass, but not much ice. Oh well, I thought, it will melt and evaporate. Later that evening when I climbed into bed, I found the ice. It had melted, but not evaporated.


  1. WTF Alan!

    Santa is going to have to buy you a "Rascal" scooter for Christmas. I've heard they now come with cup holders.

  2. Yes, but then there are those who would say I shouldn't be driving anything. Not even a Rascal, though I'm sure I'd be a cute old fart on it. "Hey you, get the fuck out of my way!"

  3. Or Sasha peed the bed when she thought the cursing screams were about to happen!!! Are you okay?? You really need to clear all clutter out of your way...whether Mark agrees or not. Severe falls are a BIG reason seniors end up in hospitals and nursing homes. Pearl already has had 2 and I think the 3rd one will end her independence.

  4. Oh my god Alan. I hope you're okay.

  5. You wouldn't be safe in our house, either, although we wouldn't make jokes when you fell.

  6. We both left Chicago for warmer climate. I didn't want to someday slip on ice in winter, break my hip, and die. There are other ways to go. But a cluttered house is just as bad and ice on a Chicago street. And the result will be the same.