Friday, May 31, 2013

DIY No More!

When I met Mark I had a lot of life left in my body. Like some kind of demented wizard he has been sucking that life force from me ever since.

A week ago Mark dragged me over to Target. He said he had to pick something up. Wrong, I had to pick something up. It was a heavy shelving unit that Mark wanted, and it came in a big box full of many pieces. For a week now it has sat in the box on our bedroom floor, and every day for a week Mark has nagged me to put it together. I finally mustered up the energy to tackle it today. I am 63 years old. I have very bad eyesight, arthritis, and a bit too much fat around the middle. I don't like do it yourself projects. The reason I picked this day to put the damn thing together, is that Mark was out of the house. I do better when I'm by myself and there are no distractions. Unfortunately Mark showed up when I was about a quarter of the way done.

    "Those shelves are upside down."
    "Well if you hadn't come home and distracted me they'd be right side up."

So I dismantled what I had put together, and reassembled it correctly. About thirty minutes later Mark came back into the room.

    "That piece across the top is upside down."
    "Goddamnsonvabitchinmuthaassinine piece of mutherinscumbastardlychinese crap!"

So again I dismantled the entire shelving unit because each piece was dependent upon the other for support, and reassembled it correctly. Or so I thought.

    "That piece on the front of that shelf is on backwards. The shiny side should be showing, not the dull side."

So now Mark has a nice new shelving unit for some of his five hundred cook books. It is six feet tall, has five shelves, and is a nice cherry-wood color. Except for the middle shelf. That one has a dull brown finish and always will. That is, unless Mark wants to dismantle the goddamned thing and put it all back together again.


  1. And so goes the plan.

  2. Cover the dull edge shelf with some shiny clear tape. Why don't you hire Jonny or Llyod from next door to put it together for you.

  3. Anonymous #2, and you will pay them?