Thursday, June 26, 2014

I'll Take Dog Behavior for $400 Alex

It happens every evening, on time and without fail. Immediately after Mark and I eat dinner I feed the two dogs. Chandler in the dining room, and Bette in the kitchen. That way I avoid any disagreements between the two. Bette hits her bowl, devouring everything quickly before Chandler has barely made it halfway through his. But that is not what I am talking about. After eating, Bette and Chandler both take time to go out and relieve themselves, both taking time to pee on the cat graves that line the dog run. Still, that is not the thing that drives Mark up the wall every night. It is not the thing that I find amusing, to a degree. When Chandler and Bette have finished all the eating and peeing they intend to do, it starts. Usually with a low rumble as Bette gets going, rising quickly into a full throated growl. Bette is ready to play, and if Chandler isn't, that is his problem. With frightening speed Bette launches herself through the air like a mad canine ninja, landing on Chandler's rump, teeth bared and ready to take a bite. From that point on it is non-stop, with Bette ruling the playground, aka, our living room floor. She bites at Chandler's jowls, at his feet, and his tail, and worst of all she snaps her needle like teeth at Chandler's wiener. Chandler on the other hand simply swings his head back and forth, trying to get the crazed schnauzer off of him. It's not like he doesn't enjoy it, he does, but at some point he gets tired and puts his head in my lap, begging me with his eyes to make it all stop. Meanwhile Bette ramps it up a degree and begins attacking his rump anew. None of this bothers me. It's just dogs playing. The problem is that Mark is trying to watch Jeopardy and you can't hear a word Alex Trebek is saying. So we turn up the volume on the television. Now we have Bette snarling and growling like a crazed wolf, Chandler responding with his deep chested growl, both of them wrestling on the carpet while the television is blasting Jeopardy, and Mark screeching like an injured chimpanzee for them to stop. I don't know what it is that they put in dog food, maybe doggy crack. If I don't feed the dogs on time they do not go crazy during Jeopardy, so I know it's the food. I've tried different brands but it always turns into a madhouse after they eat. It must be in their metabolism, they must process food differently than humans. Because after I eat my dinner, and after I go out and pee on the cat graves, I just want to take a nap.


  1. I'd like to see that show...and have fast metabolism after I eat.