Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Summertime, Time to Kvetch Again.

Copy and Past this forecast over the calendar for the next three months and it will be accurate.

Hot... can't type... too hot...   Honestly, it is so damn hot here it feels like things should be melting outside. The backyard cats barely move, my dogs are rebelling against walking on the hot pavement, and I think I saw a squirrel with sweat stains under his arms this morning. When I make Mark drive me up to the store, the car a/c strains to simply keep the temp below ninety. Stepping out of the house is not much different than jumping into the swimming pool. Both are wet and warm. The air is so thick with humidity that it takes all my effort to push my way through it, the heat literally sucks all the energy out of me. Every crevice on my fat body is chafing, and tiny little bugs, invisible to the naked eye, have been using my ears as landing pads where they then stick to my clammy skin.

            I hate Florida summers. I hate them more than I hated Chicago winters, but only by a small margin. After all, putting ten layers of clothing on just to run the dogs outside isn't all that much fun either. What I truly find amusing are the Florida weathermen on television. First of all, they usually aren't men. They are almost always very young, good looking women who are always shot from a camera angle slightly above their heads so as to make their breasts look larger. This is to distract you from the fact that they just repeat the same weather report day after day. "Temperatures near ninety today, with a chance of rain. Tonight the temps will drop to seventy nine degrees. Oh, and there will be high humidity, very, very high humidity." I think that is why when we have a hurricane within three thousand miles of Fort Lauderdale, they go crazy. It breaks up the monotony. It also brings out the male weathermen, because we all know that the ladies can't handle the big blow.
Local forecaster, Julie Durda


  1. OMG! That weather girl looks like a "blow up doll"! Or did you Photoshop, sneaky Alan? !!!

  2. That is not photo shopped. That is Julie Durda, and they always shoot her from slightly above her head. It makes her Durdas look bigger I think. She also always wears very tight dresses to do the weather. South Florida "news" and "weather" women always look like they are dressed to go to a cheap cocktail party. The only news woman here with any credibility died some years ago. Ann Bishop was not pretty, and did not wear skin tight shirts. That's why they made her retire. She died shortly after she retired. So, when are they going to start hiring hot young guys and dress them up in Spandex pants?

  3. We've got one closeted gay guy that does the weather here. All the rest are hot women. I prefer that and the Philly weather right now. I do sympathize with the chaffing though. High humidity means swamp ass and makes me unhappy.

  4. "...that makes her Durdas look bigger" LOLOLOL!
    Yeah all the weathermen here are usually men and all crinkly/fat. Jerry Taft looks like a straight up corpse. There is one hot girl on I think NBC who is always on when Ed is watching so I guess they know their audience.
    Oh, and that picture of Ms. Durdas? It's perfect- her mouth in the perfect shape of OHHHH ;)

  5. Look like one of those CGI weather woman. Mark my words...CGI Newscasters are the wave of the future. Ref. CGI = Computer Generated Image