Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Mark's First Year in Chicago

Mark was not happy with my decision to move back to Chicago. I gave him the option of staying in Florida, albeit without me. That did not fly. So for the last year I have had to listen to every gripe, every problem, everything wrong with Chicago. First off, health care. Mark got off on the wrong foot there. He went through some cockamamie place that gave him the worst of Obamacare and sent him to what he described as "A welfare doctor." Of course he was correct. Okay, wrong insurance policy. That was rectified and now he is happy with his doctors and his insurance. His next complaint was about Chicago drivers. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Every other car, the driver is steering with one hand and texting with the other. Sometimes they're steering with their knees because they can't text one handed. I had better luck driving amongst the drunks in South Florida. And those goddamned Honda automobiles. Are they giving those things away? Honda must be the most popular car in Chicago, and the most popular among those people who like to drive ten miles per hour under the speed limit. Seriously, every time I get stuck behind a Honda they are driving like shit. Another Mark complaint are the pedestrians. Mark cannot figure out the pedestrians in Chicago. Is it a suicide wish or are they just the most brave motherfuckers on earth? We are constantly slamming on the brakes because Chicagoans like to step out in front of cars without looking. Once again, they are often texting while walking. Every time I back out of a parking space I have to ask Mark if he sees anybody back there trying to get run over. Number one on Mark's list of gripes, the weather. Yes, Chicago winters are brutal and I promised Mark that he could go visit Florida during the worst of it. Well, it turned out that this winter was not so bad and he just never got around to going to Florida. But I had promised Mark Florida and I was going to give Mark Florida. Despite the fact that winter is over, yesterday was cold and rainy. So I packed Mark up into the Ford and drove him over to Florida. Umm... not quite the real thing, but a close recreation. The Lincoln Park Conservatory. It's a beautiful garden under glass in Lincoln Park with palm trees, ferns, flowers, and a nice warm and humid atmosphere. Welcome to  Florida Mark, I am a man of my word.

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