Wednesday, April 26, 2017


Most evenings I'm in bed by ten. I like to watch the Daily Show and Stephen Colbert in the bedroom. So just before ten I go through my nightly ritual. First I close up the French doors to the living room so that the dogs don't spend the night barking at every drunk that stumbles by. Then, before I put my Breath Right Nose Strip on and take my old man pills, I take the dogs out to the back yard to poop and pee. On Monday evening it was no different. Down the stairs and bounding into the grass went Chandler and Scout. Chandler started pacing back and forth, looking for just the perfect pooping spot, while Scout ran immediately to her favorite spot and assumed the position. She squatted and strained, pushed and pushed. I could tell she was having trouble. Something was wrong in the poo department. As I made my way over to see what was the problem, Scout took off running around the yard. She scooted her little poop chute across the grass, and then she tried pushing the stubborn turd out again. No luck. So I ran into the house, grabbed one of the dog crap pickup bags, and went in for the digital investigation. Sure enough, Scout had a large turd stuck halfway out of her anus, with much of what had already exited smooshed into her butt hair. So I ordered Chandler back into the house, while I corralled Scout down into the basement where she ran from end to end smearing her poo everywhere. I was gagging. Nothing to do but pick her up and deposit her into the laundry sink where I proceeded to scrub the shit right out of her hair. It was not pretty, I had to take my bare hand and pull the offending turd out. I then picked all the dog shit out of her butt hair, shampooed her butt, and scrubbed it down. By the time I had her clean enough to be allowed back upstairs and had her dried off, it was nearly eleven o'clock. I followed Scout up the stairs and as I walked past the bedroom, Mark asked "Aren't you coming to bed?" Now if I were in the mood for some fun, I would have told Mark this story in vivid detail. But I didn't. No need to create more drama. Oh, and as for Miss Scout, she's scheduled for a grooming next Saturday. I will make sure the groomer pays special attention to all that butt hair.

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