We Had An Über Christmas

Can you see me now?

What is an Uber driver, other than some schmuck with a car and a smart phone that has GPS on it.

Christmas Day, my sister Lisa was to visit and stay for dinner. At around six in the evening she called to tell me that she was in an Uber car, on her way.

"Where are you right now?" I asked.

"We're on the expressway."

Wrong answer. My sister lives downtown, near the Loop, and the best way to get to our house is on Lake Shore Drive, all the way to the end and then head west. The expressway is prone to traffic jams and requires two extra miles of surface street driving. At a quarter to seven Lisa called again.

"What's your address?"

Okay, I'd think she would have given the driver the address before leaving for our house, but I repeated it to her.

"I think I'm standing in front of your house. At least that's the address on the building."

I looked out the front window. Nobody was out there.

"I don't see you. Are you sure you're on the right street? Tell the driver he is on the wrong street."

"I'm not in the Uber car anymore. He left."

So the Uber guy dropped my sister off on the wrong street and left her there, in the dark, on the coldest day of the season.

"Lisa, walk over to Peterson and look at the street sign. What street are you on?"

No answer. Lisa had hung up, so I called her back and repeated those instructions.

"Okay... it's so fucking cold out here...." And then she hung up again. I called her back. I was worried about her out there, all alone in the dark.

"What street are you on?"

"Talman..." And then she hung up again.

By this time I had my big coat on and was walking down towards Peterson in my slippers. Did I mention how goddamned cold it was? I called Lisa again.

"Are you on Peterson? Are you out on the sidewalk, on the south side of the street?"

"I don't know fucking south from fucking north...."

I was now standing at the end of our block, at Peterson, looking up and down the sidewalk. Way off in the distance I could see the figure of somebody.

"Is that you way down there? I'm waving my arms. Can you see me?"

She had hung up on me again. So I called her back and asked her again if she could see me waving my arms like a used car lot, blow up man.

"I don't see a fucking thing. It's so damn cold out here.... fuck!"

"You don't see me? Everybody else on the street sees me. They think I'm nuts." I told her as I continued to wave at the distant figure. She had hung up again. I called back.

"Lisa, walk west towards me."

"I don't know which fucking way is fucking west."

"Look across the street. You see the park? Go to your left, that's west."

Slowly the distant figure kept getting closer. As she moved down the frozen street towards me I noticed a random man stalking her, so I called again. Lisa did not answer, but did continue walking towards me. I continued with the crazed arm waving. I started walking towards her and when she was a block away we met. Lisa had a giant basket laden with heavy Christmas presents.

"Geez, I thought that was a shopping bag you were carrying, not a basket."

I grabbed one handle of the basket, Lisa held the other one, and we scurried on down the street towards my house. All Lisa could say at that point was, "Cold, fucking cold.... cold.... fuck... "   She's the only person I know who swears more than I do. At least, since my dad died.