I Buy New Underpants

On Monday Mark and I went out shopping. I loaded Mark into the car and off we went to Marshall's. It's Mark's favorite cheapo store for all kinds of crap. We have a Ross's store right near us, but he refuses to go there. Just not the right class of cheapskate there. Anyway, Mark got some sheets, some Christmas cards, and a bunch of other stuff that he tossed into the cart. I, remembering that many of my underpants were getting old, grabbed a box of four and threw that into the cart. I'm very particular about my underpants. They have to be made out of at least ninety five percent cotton. Nothing worse than polyester underpants. Also, they cannot be too tight or too loose. Things need to breathe, yet not be choked. The box of four that I tossed into the cart seemed to fill the bill. That was until I wore one of them yesterday. I drove out to Mom's house and after an hour of driving I had to go. When I got to Mom's, I ran directly into the bathroom, opened the fly on my pants, and then started feeling for the opening on the new underpants. Sonofabitch, there was no barn door. No way to take a pee without dropping my drawers and my underpants. What kind of idiot designed men's underpants without a barn door? Yes, I know some men like to sit and pee, but for krissakes they should warn a guy. Right there on the outside of the box of underpants it should say in big bold letters, 'NO BARN DOOR'. So I don't know what I should do with these things. I can't return them because I already washed them and threw away the box they came in. I'm thinking of the tailor over on Peterson Avenue. Maybe I could get her create a barn door for me. Possibly sew in a zipper or maybe even Velcro. Or, I could give them to a female who likes the cut of men's underpants.