Mrs. Nussbaum vs Mark

Mrs. Nussbaum

Another shopping trip with Mark. This time at the Jewel on Howard Street and mercifully, Mark only bought three bags of groceries. As we approached the checkout counters, I spied one that was almost wide open. Only one person in line while all the others had at least three people queued up. I quickly slid into line with Mark behind me pushing the cart. In front of us a lady was unloading her cart and I immediately sensed something was not right. She leaned into her cart, picked up a package of meat, and threw it on the counter. She literally tossed it up in the air, over her shoulder, and it came down with a 'smack' on the counter. She leaned over again, picked up a box of something, and again tossed it over her shoulder and onto the counter. After tossing one more item over her shoulder, she blurted out to the cashier, "When are they going to be here?"

"In twenty minutes, ma'am." responded the young cashier.

"I can't.... Twenty minutes?"

She then leaned over and reached into the cart again, again tossing something over her shoulder, hitting the counter with a thud. I have to give it to her, she had good aim. She looked to be in her sixties, or older, and appeared to have had some bad work done on her face. It seemed that she wanted her groceries delivered and that she also had the cashier order her a taxicab. At this point Mark decided to get into the matter. This is the dialog that followed. Oh, and for some reason Mark decided her name was 'Mrs. Nussbaum'. It has some vague reference to his life back in New York as a child.

Mrs. Nussbaum: "I can't wait that long. I SAID DOUBLE BAGS, NO PLASTIC!"

Cashier: "Yes, ma'am. He is double bagging it."

Mrs. Nussbaum: "No he's not. That one isn't double bagged. DOUBLE BAGS, I WANT EVERYTHING DOUBLE BAGGED!"

Mark: "Oh boy, she thinks it's all about her. C'mon lady. There are other people behind you." 
Mrs. Nussbaum: (As she slowly empties her cart, throwing each item onto the counter) "How much is that now?"

Cashier: "I can't total it up yet."

Mrs. Nussbaum: "I want to know how much.... with the delivery."

Mark: "Oh my god lady, quit screwing around. Could you go any damn slower?"

Mrs. Nussbaum: "I'm not slow."

Remember, I am standing between Mrs. Nussbaum and Mark. Behind Mark is a lady with only two items who could go to any other checkout line, but she's enjoying the show.

Mrs. Nussbaum: "WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT BOX ON TOP? IT GOES IN THE CART!"

The bag boy looks scared, like he might pee in his pants. Mrs. Nussbaum continues to scream at him.

Mrs. Nussbaum: "THAT'S NOT DOUBLE BAGGED..."

With a look of disgust, she tosses another item onto the counter.

Mark: "Geez, it's all about her. She's so damn special. HURRY UP LADY."

Cashier: "I need your name for the delivery, and I'll need...."

Mrs. Nussbaum: "THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE. THEY KNOW ME. YOU DON'T NEED MY NAME."

She reaches into her cart, grabs a tiny can of tuna, and tosses it towards the cashier. It bounces across the counter onto the scanner.

Mark: "Yeah honey, throw that cat food. You gonna eat that for dinner tonight? Are you gonna eat cat food for dinner?"

At this point I am extremely embarrassed and I mime choking Mark. The lady with the two items standing behind Mark, starts laughing out loud. We've been in line now for ten minutes.

Mrs. Nussbaum: "When did you say they would be here?"

Cashier: "Well, now it would be ten minutes."

Mrs. Nussbaum: "You said twenty before."

Cashier: "That was ten minutes ago."

Mark: "For krissakes lady. You aren't the only person here. Quit screwing around. She just thinks the world revolves around her, around Mrs. Nussbaum."

The lady behind Mark could have left long ago, but she is obviously entertained.

Cashier: "Okay, that will be seventy three dollars."

Mrs. Nussbaum slowly pulls her wallet out of her purse, slowly fumbles with her debit card.

Mrs. Nussbaum: "How much? WHY IS THAT BOX ON TOP OF THE CART? PUT IT IN THE DAMN CART."

Cashier: "Seventy three dollars. The box on top has all the fragile items in it, that's why it's on top."

Mrs. Nussbaum: "IT GOES IN THE CART!"

Mark: "Will you just get on your goddamn broom and fly the hell out of here."

Mrs. Nussbaum: "How much? Does that include delivery?"

A few minutes later, after fumbling around with her debit card and berating the bagger one more time, Mrs. Nussbaum slowly waddled away. I swear the lady behind Mark wanted to break out in applause.