Monday, October 25, 2010
Run, Don't Walk
So it was on Saturday evening, that I asked Mark to drop me off at the CVS Pharmacy on his way out to a night of disco, drinks, and dishing at the local bars. I needed to pick up a prescription and some cat food.
"Sure, I'll drive you home too."
"No, I need the exercise. I'll walk home."
"But you'll get hit by a car."
"For chrissakes Mark, I've been walking for almost sixty years. I think I know what the hell I'm doing out there."
This went back and forth for a few more rounds before I convinced Mark that I really do know how to walk, and look both ways before I cross a street.
It's actually pleasant to go out for a walk by myself. No dogs stopping to pee, smell, and poop every three feet. No trying to either keep up with Mark when he's feeling good, or waiting for him to catch up when he's having one of his asthma attacks. All I have to worry about is me. So there I was strolling down the street with my little sack of goodies from CVS, and enjoying the cool breezes of a Florida autumn evening when it hit me. At first it was just a little rumble in my tummy as I passed the 7Eleven. As I crossed over the wide lawn of the church/gay resort, the rumble turned into a cat fight inside my gut. I picked up my pace. Half a block from home I started shooting jets of methane gas out my ass, and I could feel what seemed like an express freight train moving through my intestines. I broke out into a trot, and then a full run, fumbling for my keys so as to have them ready when I got to the door.
It was my lucky day. I made it to the toilet by three tenths of a second. No muss, no fuss, I had cheated the evil gods of inconvenient poop again. Also on the plus side of that, I managed to get some valuable exercise in as I ran down the street. Running with your ass cheeks clenched really builds those gluteal muscles. My walking for the evening wasn't over however. There were four cats staring at me, wondering when the hell they were going to be fed. It seems I'd have to schlep right back up to CVS for that cat food I forgot.