Tuesday, January 3, 2017

My Sexy Leg Lamp

Just like in the movie, a large box arrived marked "fra-geelie".
"Ha, must be Italian." I quipped.
Mark was not amused. In fact he kind of rushed me away from the package, mumbling that it was just "Something I ordered on eBay."
That box sat around for a couple of weeks before Mark finally opened it. Or should I say, I opened it. "Careful, it's very fragile", Mark cried. So I carefully pulled aside the packing material revealing a large, neon Eiffel Tower.
"I want it hung on the wall over there." Mark said, pointing to an empty spot next to the fireplace. So I dutifully hammered a nail into the wall and Mark hung his new possession from it. "Okay, plug it in. I want to see it lit up."
"I have to walk the dogs. You plug it in." I told Mark as I harnessed Chandler for his big evening walkies. We took our time walking around the block as Chandler sniffed each and every tree we passed, strained to chase the fat squirrel on the corner, and scared the living shit out of a little Arab boy (When I talked to his father later, he explained that the boy had been terrorized by a big dog once). So it was just a normal dog walk. And then I turned the corner by our house. A bright green glow emanated from the large living room windows. It looked like our house had been contaminated by nuclear waste. There in the middle window, all grinning and green, was Mark smiling and proud of his new possession.

"It looks like the sun is coming up in our living room."
"I like it."
"I fucking hate it. It's way too bright. I'll need sunglasses just to sit in the living room." I protested.
"I don't care. I like it."
So there it hangs, on our wall. There's a war going on around it. Mark turns it on, I turn it off. I leave the house, Mark turns it on, planes mistake it for a runway at O'Hare. There is no mistaking our house if that Eiffel Tower is lit up. A green glow reflects off the clouds and birds start chirping as if it's dawn. One thing Mark should remember, and that is how the sexy leg lamp ended up in A Christmas Story. I'm just saying, accidents happen.


  1. Is that the black electric cord showing? Or are you making it look worse than it does for effect?

  2. NO, that is how it is, black cord and all. It's hideous. At least I'll get to keep my Florida tan all winter.

  3. It would look good mounted on a black wall. It would disguise the working mechanisms and absorb some of the light. I need to see this in context 👍

    1. It would look good in the basement, or in the garage.

  4. Very phallic looking