Stud Finder

Our holy wall

I don't know who the hell Mark thinks I am.

"I want you to install sliding mirror doors in the bedroom closet."

"After the holidays I want you to install some glass doors in the shower."

"This spring dig up the front yard and plant some flowers, shrubs, and maybe do a nice paver thing around it."

"You still haven't painted the hallway. That was supposed to be done before Christmas."

I am not "Schneider", nor am I "Tim the Toolman". I am not "Bob Vila", I am not even "Mr. Roper". I used to do a lot of my own work around the house, around my income properties, but that was years ago. I turned sixty seven three days ago and my body is showing the wear and tear. For Christmas I was instructed by Mark that he wanted a 32" television for the kitchen.

"Why so big? Why not a smaller television, one that can sit on that window sill?"

In his best pouty face Mark reiterated.

"I want a 32" television, and I want it installed up there on the wall above the window. I want it, I want it, I want it.

So I bought Mark a 32" television. Yesterday I tried to put the damn thing up on the wall. I got out all my tools and fired up the electronic stud finder. When you hang a television off the wall you had better anchor it in a wooden stud. Well, it turns out that my electronic stud finder can't find a stud. Back and forth I went with the thing, beeping and booping. I would drill a hole where it said the stud would be and no stud. So I would drill again. No stud. I now have eleven goddamned holes drilled into the wall and not one of them hit a stud. So in a fit I threw down my tools and instructed Mark that I was not putting that damn television up on the wall. I told him that if he wanted it up there he had better find somebody else to do it, and I tossed the stud finder onto the chair next to him. It went off, "Beeeeeeeeep...." I know for damn sure there is no stud sitting in that chair.