Monday, May 8, 2017


Sunday was a crisp, sunny spring day. So I went outside and started catching up on some of the gardening. My plan was to plant some sweet corn in a row along the fence. I was doing this against Mark's wishes.
"Corn is ugly, don't put corn in the garden." Mark told me.
"Sorry, this is the Midwest. Everybody puts corn in their garden in the Midwest."
I was going to have my sweet corn. I also had peas, beans, some mint, and a special tomato plant the dogs love that I was going to plant. Yes, I plant tomatoes for the dogs. I discovered last summer that they love the little yellow tomatoes even more than I do. They pick them right off the vine. Anyway, I'm out there digging and a planting, when Mark shows up. Let me stop here and point out that Mark does not lift one finger to take care of the garden. It is all my doing. All Mark does is buy shit. He buys plants, seeds, planters, trees, bushes, and various other crap that I have to find room for in our tiny yard. Oh, and he bought a chaise lounge. I assume that is so he has a place to sit while he orders me around the yard. So Mark comes out there and tells me that he wants his peonies and dahlias planted along the fence. The problem is that I already had planted about fifty or more lilies, and gladiolas along the fence. There was no room. So Mark started nagging me.
"I want my peonies along the fence. Plant my peonies along the fence."
I started laughing.
"Stop laughing at me. Stop making fun of the way I talk."
I'm sorry, but I find Mark's mutilation of the English language endlessly funny. You see, Mark is from New Jersey. On top of his mauling of words, he has that New Jersey accent. Mark pronounces peonies as, Pee-own-ees, with the emphasis on 'own'. I assume that's how they pronounce it in back East, but here in the Midwest it is, Pee-a-nees, with the emphasis on 'pee'. Never the less, like a good boy I planted Mark's pee-own-ees. Only not along the fence. I planted them along the back of the house. And I planted my corn where I wanted to, along the fence.

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