It's Not Funny

My sister Lisa was over on Sunday and we were all sitting out in the back yard when I started hacking up a bit of phlegm.

"I'm sorry, you'll find that as you grow older you start making noises and coughing things up." I told whoever was noticing. Lisa and my friend Dennis looked at me in disgust. Then Lisa chimed in.

"Oh my god, tell me about it. I remember Dad and his nasty handkerchief. He had that thing wadded up in his pocket and would pull it out no matter where he was."

I do remember Dad's handkerchief. He used to spit on it and wipe the dirt off our faces just before we would walk into church. Another good reason for me to hate religion. Lisa continued.

"He would blow his nose into that thing, cough into it, and then stick it right back in his pocket."

Dennis nodded his head in agreement. That's when I reached into my pocket and pulled out a hanky. I proudly waved it in front of everybody.

"Why don't you just use a tissue like decent people do?" Asked Dennis.

Why indeed? I'll tell you why. Tissues are more disgusting than a hanky, and less sanitary in the wrong hands. Take Mark for example. He buys tissues by the case and goes through a box every day or so. Worst of all, he leaves the used tissues laying all around the house for me to.... gack... pick up. I say that the cotton handkerchief is much more sanitary. If I do blow my nose into it, I wad the used portion up within the middle of the hanky before returning it to my pocket. At the first opportunity, I throw that one into the laundry and grab another clean one. Besides, even if I have contaminated the hanky with germs, they are my germs. Although, you might think twice about shaking my hand.

So here are the facts. “At least 17 trees will have to be cut down and 20,000 gallons of water is contaminated in order to produce a ton of tissue paper” (Earthbuddies.net) Cotton, of course, also uses up water. From growing it to manufacturing the cotton hankies that I prefer, a lot of water is used. Even washing my snot soiled handkerchiefs uses up water. But there is one thing that makes my hankies much more desirable and ecologically sound than Mark's boxes of tissues. I don't leave my used hankies strewn all over the goddamned house.