Emergency

Randy Mantooth, star of Emergency

Mark was feeling under the weather last week so he called his doctor. He was informed that the doctor was on vacation, but somebody else would call him back. This was at nine thirty in the morning. At four in the afternoon nobody had called back and Mark seemed to be in some difficulty. So I asked, "911 or do I take you to the emergency room?" It was decide that I would drive Mark to the emergency room at the hospital where his doctor worked. They would have all his records there including his insurance information. We walked into the ER at four, forty five. After a short wait the triage nurse called Mark into a room and took his story down along with his vitals. So far, so good. Then while we were in there I could hear one of the nurses in the ER waiting room announce, "As of right now there is a four hour and forty minute wait to see a doctor." I guess I am not used to big city emergency rooms, I had never had the need to go to one before. All my experiences were in small cities, in small hospitals.

"Mark, did you hear that? Four hours and forty minutes. Are you sure you want to continue with this?"

Before he could answer the nurse assured us that, "I'm putting you on the fast track. You won't have to wait that long."

So we stayed. Two hours in, I asked the nurse if Mark would be seen soon. She looked at the computer screen and said, "He's moving up." Which is not an answer. Two and a half hours into it and I asked the nurse if there was someplace I could get some water.

"Is that for a patient?"

"Why, does that make a difference?" I turned to Mark and asked if he was thirsty.

"I'll ask his nurse if he can have water."

"Okay, then where can I get some water?

There was no water source in the waiting room, no food machine, nothing. The woman looked confused, so I just turned and walked away.

Three hours had gone by and the waiting room had filled up, then almost emptied, then filled up again. I was tired, thirsty, and hungry. That's when a woman in one of those Hoveround electric carts rolled in. Electric cart is not really what it was, more like an Earth mover because she had to have weighed at least six hundred pounds. I am not exaggerating. The lobe of fat hanging off her right knee was bigger around than Mark's waist, and she had three of those huge fat globules hanging there. Her electric cart groaned under the weight as she zipped around and parked directly across from me. She was wearing short, shorts, so tight... well let's not go there. Her top was also skin tight. I leaned over to Mark and whispered, "How did she get those shorts on?" Mark pretended not to hear me. She then started honking like a wounded wildebeest and coughing. What was she unleashing in that spray? After fifteen minutes of this a nurse came over and put a mask on her. Now, I tried to be nice. I tried not to stare and I tried to pretend that the elephant in the room was not parked directly in my line of sight. But those shorts, they were really short, and tight. Happily, one of the nurses came over and threw a blanket over her just before they called Mark's name. Four hours to see a doctor. So much for that fast track the triage nurse had promised.

They couldn't find anything wrong with Mark that hadn't been wrong before, and all the tests came up negative, but they wanted to admit him to the hospital anyway. Possibly because he has good insurance. Very good insurance. So I said goodnight to Mark and left him there. It was now ten at night and I hadn't had anything to drink or eat since lunch. Next time I'll probably call an ambulance. I hear that if you arrive by ambulance they put you on the fast track.