Get, Go, Gone

About four months ago I went to the doctor and got a full physical. At the end of the physical the doctor told me that he was going to order one of those home screening kits for me. You know the one, "Get, Go, Gone." The doctor told me it's much easier than a colonoscopy. No kidding, I went through that once. It was pure hell. Not the actual procedure so much as the preparation. I had to drink three gallons of monkey vomit that gave me the shits. The purpose of that was to clean out my guts. (Okay, maybe it wasn't actually monkey vomit, but it tasted like it and had the texture of vomit.) I was in the bathroom the night before my colonoscopy for about five hours sending a constant stream of my insides out my butthole. It was horrible and I swore I would never go through that again.

So a couple of weeks after I saw my doctor, the kit arrived. It sat on the shelf for two months because I did not want to mess with it. After the doctor called and reminded me to do the test, I opened it up and read the instructions. Step one, be sure you have to crap. Step two, spread the little paper raft that was supplied, across the water in the toilet for your turds to land on. Step three, poop on the paper raft. Step three....  ummm.... gack... oh, god... take the little plastic spatula that was included, and dig around in your poop. The instructions note that you should make sure you have poo in every crevice of the tiny plastic spatula. Step four, place the poo covered spatula inside the little container that they provided and mail it to the poo testing company. I left it down on the table by the mailboxes for Tim the mailman to take. (I'll have to tip him a little extra at Christmas.)

A month later I got a letter from the poo kit company. I had blood in my stool and I should call my doctor. I didn't call him. A few weeks later he called me. I didn't answer the phone. He called three more times. I finally answered on that fourth call.

"Well Alan, you are going to have to get a colonoscopy. I'll send you a reference so  you can go get that. Have a nice evening now, goodbye."

So this time I not only get to go through the prep for a colonoscopy and the colonoscopy itself, but I got to handle my own poo in the toilet and then send it off in the capable hands of Tim the mailman.