Monday, January 14, 2019

In The Company of Al Roker


On January 6th, 2013, NBC weatherman Al Roker came out as a sharter. Not only did he admit that he sharted, he admitted to sharting in the White House.

Saturday I went shopping at the Jewel for groceries. I went armed with a grocery list and Mark's debit card. On that grocery list was Progresso Soup, Manhattan clam chowder. The thing about Progresso Soups is that there are so damn many of them. Must be over fifty varieties on the shelves of the Jewel, but Mark only wants tomato basil and Manhattan clam chowder. So I started looking across all the shelves, back and forth, up and down. When I got to the more obscure soups, where the cans are nearly at floor level, I had to get down on my hands and knees to look. Now I had been feeling a bit of pressure ever since the produce department, but I felt I could hold it until after I checked out. Unfortunately, as I got down on the floor to look for the clam chowder, something came out. It was not a nice little flappy thing that makes a small noise. No, it was something else. I immediately clenched. I dragged myself back up to my feet, cursing Jewel for putting the things I needed so low on the shelves, and made my way up to the bathroom. It was locked. This giant store with hundreds of shoppers and many employees, had only one bathroom with only one toilet in it, and it is always in use. Usually by an employee. So after waiting my turn for five minutes, I gave up and went back to shopping. I had to hurry it up because I really had no idea just how long I could hold that clench. Lucky for me there were no long lines at the checkout counters, and when I was done and I checked the door to the bathroom again, it was open. What a relief.

So let this be a warning. If you are going to be doing anything outside your house, away from easy access to a bathroom, don't eat oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast.

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