On January 6th, 2013, NBC
weatherman Al Roker came out as a sharter. Not only did he admit that he
sharted, he admitted to sharting in the White House.
Saturday I went shopping at
the Jewel for groceries. I went armed with a grocery list and Mark's debit
card. On that grocery list was Progresso Soup, Manhattan clam chowder. The
thing about Progresso Soups is that there are so damn many of them. Must be over
fifty varieties on the shelves of the Jewel, but Mark only wants tomato basil
and Manhattan clam chowder. So I started looking across all the shelves, back
and forth, up and down. When I got to the more obscure soups, where the cans are
nearly at floor level, I had to get down on my hands and knees to look. Now I
had been feeling a bit of pressure ever since the produce department, but I
felt I could hold it until after I checked out. Unfortunately, as I got down on
the floor to look for the clam chowder, something came out. It was not a nice
little flappy thing that makes a small noise. No, it was something else. I immediately clenched. I dragged myself back up to my feet, cursing Jewel for putting the
things I needed so low on the shelves, and made my way up to the bathroom. It
was locked. This giant store with hundreds of shoppers and many employees, had
only one bathroom with only one toilet in it, and it is always in use. Usually
by an employee. So after waiting my turn for five minutes, I gave up and went
back to shopping. I had to hurry it up because I really had no idea just how
long I could hold that clench. Lucky for me there were no long lines at the
checkout counters, and when I was done and I checked the door to the bathroom
again, it was open. What a relief.
So let this be a warning. If
you are going to be doing anything outside your house, away from easy access to
a bathroom, don't eat oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast.
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