Monday, December 29, 2008

A Feast For A Beast

Christmas dinner was a fine affair here at our house. We invited a few friends over and Mark whipped up a delicious dinner of prime rib, mashed potatoes, and spinach. It doesn't sound like a lot, but trust me, with all the extras like the crab bisque, bread, appetizers, and date/nut bars for desert, I was stuffed.

I am writing this on the day after Christmas, and I have had prime rib for lunch, prime rib for dinner, and prime rib and gummi bears for a light, after going out to the bars, snack (Vodka makes you crave strange food combinations). As I sit here writing this, a malodorous fog has filled the room, and I am gagging on the smell of dog farts. You see Chandler has been dining on a very similar diet since yesterday. I thought I was being very conscientious in letting little Chandler have bits and pieces of Mark's prime rib, but what I didn't allow for was Mark and all the guests dropping him a taste here and there.

The funny thing about dogs is that they don't know the meaning of the words 'too much'. They may know 'sit', 'stay', 'come', but 'too much' is not in their vocabulary. As long as meat is coming their way, they open up and swallow. At times the meat doesn't even have to be offered to the dog. They may take things into their own paws, like Chandler did tonight. Earlier Mark had cuts of prime rib sitting on the counter, and was preparing our dinner of leftovers, when he stepped out of the kitchen for a minute. In those few moments Mark was out of the room, Chandler performed a feat of magic worthy of David Blaine. He made my dinner disappear. So now I sit here and put up with the ultimate insult. Not only did Chandler take my dinner off the counter and wolf it down faster than the speed of light, he is laying on the floor next to me, blowing farts that are so noxious that my eyes are watering and the cats keep trying to bury him in kitty litter.

9 comments:

  1. Alan, it indeed looks like a lovely affair-I personally would have more buxom ladies around, but hey...to each his own. On a foul note...our lab Simon can fart with the best of them-it is one of the great mysteries of the universe that no mater what he eats (even just the Iams dry) he will fart constantly going up the stairs for bed, or in a room full of company.

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  2. I do the same when I eat the Iams.

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  3. You fart when you drink water.

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  4. My BF does loud farts, our dog Zora farts silent but deadly ones like I do. I always blame it on the dog. hehe

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  5. How did this blog about a nice Christmas dinner succumb to farting stories?

    It's got to be Alan World.

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  6. Reminds me of the time that our Annie did the same thing with 2 1/2lbs. of roast beef. Unfortunately for her, Laura knew that large amounts of meat are not good for our domesticated animals liver. So, worse than dog farts, is forcing your dog to vomit. She never even looked at our dinner table after that episode!!

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  7. Which one is Rebbecca Glasscock? Will she be farting as a talent on the Logo dragshow??? (I'm so jealous...you know celebrities!-and they are fun!!!)

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  8. Rebbecca Glasscock is too cute to fart.

    For those in the dark, Javier/Rebbecca Glasscock will be on Ru Paul's Drag Race Show on the LOGO Channel, in February. Rebbecca is the guy with the dark curly hair at the top of the photo, at the top of this post, directly to the left of the guy in orange, directly above me.

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  9. I will spare any more comments on farts. Will you be hosting a party for the debut of Ms. Glasscock? Love the name.

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