Monday, June 8, 2009

Doctor Feelgood

If you thought my story about my hemorrhoids went too far, stop reading this.........now!Last Thursday, I got up early and prepared for my visit to the colon and rectal doctor. Following the doctors orders, I emptied two Fleet enemas, and spent the next twenty minutes in the bathroom, stifling my screams, as the contents of those bottles did their job. Later that morning, I find myself sitting on the end of an examining table, with my pants off, and nothing between me and the rest of the world except for a small 'blanket' made out of blue paper. I am all alone in a room full of devices that would warm Dick Cheney's heart. All around are various tubes, pumps, and spreading tools, that are vaguely similar to items I have seen in Amsterdam sex stores, and read about in accounts of the Spanish inquisition. Finally the doctor comes in. He's not the most cordial, and my blood pressure is rising as he tells me to lay on my side, facing the wall. I grimace and grind my teeth while I wait for the inevitable examination. "Obviously that is too tender for me to examine in depth, but I can see that you have a fissure. You can put your clothes back on now.". That's it? No probing and digging? No torturous procedure with the nurse looking on while I squirm on the table? I don't care if this doctor is cordial or not, I like him.

So the diagnosis is some kind of geological formation, a fissure, no hemorrhoid. The doctor has told me that the cure is either change my diet, take Metamucil, and use a prescription cream, or have surgery that might make me incontinent. As far as I can see there is no contest on this one. I will change my diet.

8 comments:

  1. Holy crap Batman. Well now Alan, you're 2 bottles of Fleet Enema closer to your target weight goal.

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  2. I'm not going to even mention the words, "I told you so."

    Go vegetarian. It is the future of the global diet.

    Don't know how to cook vegetarian? Have delicious vegetarian meals shipped to your home. Go to this website:
    http://www.veggiebrothers.com/

    Garet

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  3. The real question should be: Will Mark change your diet?

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  4. This is part of Mark's plan...

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  5. T.M.I.!!!!!T.M.I.!!!!! STOP ALREADY!!!

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  6. Anonymous number 3, maybe from now on you will heed my warnings of graphic content.

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  7. Simple solution, get a small piece of bar soap and hold it between your cheeks while showering.After showering use prep H, problem solve. Eat what you want, skip the vegie bull. At your age, the veggies will give you tremendous gas and drive us from the house.

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  8. "Will drive us from the house"?????
    Is that you Fat Kitty? Chandler? Carlotta?

    Soap up the ass? Just because I had you all fixed, you are trying to get back at me.

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