Monday, June 1, 2009

'Roid Rage

I have an angry hemorrhoid, a very angry hemorrhoid. I thought I had addressed this issue thirty years ago, but (no pun intended) it has come back with a vengeance ever since I got the colonoscopy last year. Apparently the invasion of my colon by the endoscopy equipment triggered a new rear guard attack. Last night I attempted to mitigate the pain of my morning call to nature by taking a laxative. After looking over all the possibilities on the shelves at CVS, I opted for the one that promised “gentle, dependable, overnight, relief”. The fact that it had a ladies picture on the package, and seemed to be marketed to women, didn’t really phase me much. I figured, if a woman can take it, certainly I can. The instructions on the package said to take one to three tablets before bedtime for gentle morning relief. I am so glad I only took one. If the results from taking one of those pills is considered gentle, then I assume they would consider the eruption of Mount Saint Helens to be a quiet, mild, movement of the earth.

After spending most of the morning in the bathroom, I have made an appointment with a new doctor for Thursday, and I am hoping he can miraculously cure me. The last doctor I went to for this problem had the bedside manner of Nosferatu. He seemed to hate his job and went about his business like he was digging for clams on the beach. Hopefully my new doctor is decent, and I pray he is a bit more gentle and pain free than that laxative I took last night.

5 comments:

  1. If that was your job would you be happy to come to work? After all, you're not an 18 year old in fabulous shape and just the doctors cup of tea.

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  2. At least the nurse wasn't saying "The asshole is here."

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  3. Maybe you should have taken an Analgesic. hehe

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  4. While your story is funny, don't you keep anything private. Holy crap!

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  5. Oh yes, there is a ton of stuff that is totally off limits. Trust me. Besides, what's a hemorrhoid between friends?

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