The Carrot Diet

Forty years ago, on the hippie commune, we were vegetarians. Not vegans, I had a very nice leather jacket, but vegetarians. Of course as the money would become scarce, certain animals would find their way into our diet. Fish from the nearby Wapsipinicon River would end up on the table, and once we even ate a pheasant grabbed out of midair by one of the dogs. Myself, I often enjoyed a delicious Big Mac when I was off to the big city of Davenport, even while extolling the virtues of a veggie diet back at the commune. Besides tofu, grits, and home grown vegetables, baked goods were always a big part of our meals. We made them with whole grains, honey, and sometimes we would throw in a little extra herbal ingredient. We even made vegetarian deserts. One of my favorites was carrot cake, which was filled with good things like buckwheat, honey, and shredded carrots.

To this day I associate carrot cake with healthy eating. What could be so bad? It has carrots in it, and as I remember, the way we made it, it was full of goodness. That's why yesterday, when Mark brought home a little package from the supermarket with the words 'Carrot Cake' emblazoned on it, I figured the huge slice I plunged into my pie-hole was like eating a salad. A delicious way to get your vitamins, and fiber. As I sat there, smug in my knowledge that I had chosen the correct snack over the horribly fattening ice cream in the freezer, I started reading the box.

It's no wonder I can't seem to lose any weight. I absolutely believe Mark sabotages every attempt I make at losing my fat ass. It turns out that I could have eaten half the carton of ice cream, and still not had as much fat, calories, and cholesterol, as was in that slice of carrot cake I shoved in my face. Goddamned carrots. I knew they were no good for you.