Monday, December 10, 2012

Car Crap Caper

Dog poop. Nobody really likes it, but it is something dog owners have to deal with. For years I ignored it, turning around and pretending my black lab, the late Molly, never pooped a day in her life while she dumped gigantic loads on neighbor's lawns. Eventually I was shamed into doing the right thing and started picking up her steaming piles, and schlepping them home in used grocery store bags. When I got Chandler, I equipped his leash with a poopy bag dispenser so that I'd never be caught without the means to clean up after him. I have become a good citizen.

Yesterday morning my tenant stopped me as I left with Chandler.
"Say Alan, do you know who uses red bags to pick up their dog's poop?"
I stopped and thought for a moment.
"No, but they come in every color. As you can see, Chandler is using a strikingly pretty blue this week."
It turned out that somebody had dumped a bunch of red bags filled with dog shit on my tenants car overnight. Sort of a neighborhood version of the Godfather horse's head. You see, it is a known fact on our block that my tenant and his wife do not pick up their dog's poop.
"Is it possible that somebody is trying to send you a message?" I asked, knowing full well who had probably done it.
"I always pick up Blue's poop if he does it in somebody's yard." He replied, "But if he takes a dump down at the church, who does it harm?"
I understood where he was coming from. It was the very same rationale that I used to use. And to be honest, if it is late at night, and very dark, and Chandler waddles up to the church fence to do his thing, I stand there looking up at the stars pretending nothing is happening.

Like I said, I know who probably left the poop on my tenant's car. I just hope this isn't the first salvo in a nasty little neighborhood war. Considering that the red bag, poop flinging suspect, has many more dogs than I, or my tenant have, the balance of power is on their side. In other words, they have many more WMD. Weapons of messy doody.


  1. Holy crap!

  2. Alls fair in the dog crap wars!!!