Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Lindsay Lohan Smells Ikea

Sasha and I are making our way down the street, back towards the house. She has done her poopies, and peed on numerous lawns, so she is happy, I am happy. In the distance I see Mark at the back of the PT Cruiser with the tailgate open. He's cursing and rummaging through the pile of crap that's accumulated in there. Sasha wiggles with delight. She thinks that she's going for a ride, but no, Mark has just returned from one of his shopping safaris. As I approach the car I can hear Mark cursing Ikea.
"What's the problem?" I ask.
"Those assholes don't give you bags to put your stuff in. Now I've lost the package of salmon I bought."
The idea that a package of salmon has been lost in the sea of crap that Mark has filled the car with gives me the chills. It reminds me of the time I left a carton of night crawler worms in my car the day I left for a week in California.
"You have to find that."
"It's in a sealed package. I don't think it will be too bad." Mark answers.
"No, you have to find that. It's going to smell."
So Mark and I both tore the car apart looking for the salmon he bought at Ikea. Now I think we did a pretty thorough job, but we didn't find any Ikea salmon in that car. However, I think we should search it again. This morning when I took Chandler and Sasha out for their walks, I found Lindsay Lohan (the cat, not the person), and a neighbor's cat under the PT Cruiser.


  1. Crikey -- you've got a lot going on here! Redecorating...eye infections...missing salmon. I think you need a rest, Alan.

  2. Their Swedish meatballs and cinnamon rolls are good to eat also--if you don't leave them in the car too long.

    I've been visiting family in Dallas and Santa Fe, Alan. You look like @#$%--WTF is going on?

  3. Besides the pink eye, Mark has me doing his annual retribution for the enslavement of the black man. This year it's our bedroom. I am almost done with the redecorating of that room, but he keeps finding more shit on his to-do list. I am beaten.

  4. Tell Mark that he needs to bring his OWN reusable shopping bags when he shops anywhere. Then he will know exactly where his salmon is!