Thursday, May 15, 2014

Hi, I'm Not High on Drugs... Today

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan went to the doctor yesterday. She got two shots, penicillin and some Depro Medrol. No Lindsay Lohan didn't catch some exotic STD, she didn't go monkey crazy and snort some bad drugs at the Viper Room. Lindsay Lohan is a cat, an actual cat that lives in my back yard, and she is severely allergic to mosquito bites, the state bird of Florida. They unfortunately target the poor girl's nose, leaving it bloodied and sore, not unlike the real Lindsay Lohan. Anyway, she and Britney Spears, the other backyard cat, have lived out there for over five years. Through the eleven month Florida summer and the one week Florida winter, they have endured out there by my swimming pool. I feel very bad that I have to make them live outside with the mosquitoes, fleas, and giant bufu toads. I would love to invite them into the house to live, but my allergies and Mark's severe breathing problems make that impossible. So I am going to make a concerted effort over the next nine months to try and find them a good home, a place where they can live in the style befitting two ladies of such notoriety. Both are fixed and no matter what whorish behavior they engage in, there will be no kittens. They will both be brought up to date on all shots before going to their new home, and guaranteed, no parasites beyond their own selves. No really, these cats are actually very nice girls who get along with my dogs just fine and desperately want to live inside. They sit on the table outside my living room window all the time, looking in at my dogs, wishing they could join in. So if you have room in your home and heart, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears would love to come live with you. Because I know they aren't going to be happy living outside when we move to Chicago.
Britney Spears

No comments:

Post a Comment